The Roots that Clutch
― TheCryingClub
(A Normal People AU)
I’ve taken a liking to Hozier’s music lately and I can trace the origin back to when I read this fic for the first time. I think what keeps pulling me back to it, and what resonated with me in Normal People, is the feeling of bittersweetness that lingers, mellowing from a sharp pain to a dull throb. It’s this gorgeous aching that pulls my mind back to this story again and again.
The title is taken from T.S. Eliot’s poem, “The Waste Land” and it is a reimagining of Sally Rooney’s Normal People with Adam as Connell and Ronan as Marianne. After he is removed from his abusive home, Adam is adopted. His adoptive mother, Persephone, cleans houses, and it is Adam’s responsibility to pick her up once he finishes school for the day. He knows of Ronan but they have never spoken. Adam watches Ronan from a distance, allowing himself to wonder what it must have been like for Ronan to grow up in this massive house that Persephone now comes to clean. The boys’ social circles do not overlap, but the barriers between them grow thinner the more time Adam spends at Ronan’s house. When Adam draws close to Ronan, Ronan doesn’t know how to hide. They both know that whatever this thing is between them must remain secret. The parameters of their agreement blur when their relationship becomes sexual. Adam is overwhelmed by Ronan and is afraid of what could happen if he slips, if he doesn’t play the perfect student, the perfect athlete. Despite being in a relationship with Ronan, he asks a girl to prom. He expects Ronan to understand, that he must understand why Adam continues keeping up appearances. Devastated, Ronan leaves school and tells Adam he never wants to see him again.
The story continues as it does in Normal People, with Ronan and Adam encountering one another again months later when Adam is at university and Ronan is chasing his pain away with new friends and new distractions, such as street racing and alcohol. They don’t trust one another. Ronan can never get over what Adam did, and Adam cannot forgive himself for still wanting Ronan, for wanting to be in his life after treating him so cruelly. Their paths of healing, of growing up and learning what they can and cannot accept in terms of a partner, in terms of friendship and in how they respect themselves, is beautifully rendered.
I read this fic before I read Normal People and I am of the opinion that this is superior. Granted, I have been a fan of these characters and this universe for quite some time. I also have still not seen the TV show. However, the way the author paints Ronan and Adam’s pain and regret – the sorrow and the relief – is overwhelming and soothing at the same time. By the end of the story, they don’t have all the answers and their wounds are far from healed. But they finally have a handle on who they are and with that comes the realization that they have the means and knowledge to be better, whether it is in how they treat others or how they respect and love themselves, regardless of their shortcomings.
My one nitpick is that the point-of-view switches between Ronan and Adam without warning, which takes some getting used to. With that said, here are some of my favorite excerpts.
Adam is taken straight back to that first day he’d seen Ronan—just Lynch, then—shirtlessly climbing the steps back up to his room, head demurely bowed, generously gifting Adam the realization that he liked guys too.
― The Roots that ClutchAs he takes Adam’s dry hand, Ronan feels the symbol of the act, thinks of Michelangelo’s Creation and how Adam had given him life when he’d only been surviving. That life was no longer dependent on Adam though. His father’s voice, rough as a mother cat’s tongue on the fur of her young, “You know what to do.” Because Ronan was no longer dependent on Adam for contentment, he felt more ready each day—hell, each minute with Adam. At least right now. He wouldn’t bank on anything other than what was right in front of him. He was tired of dreaming those dreams of things that he didn’t have. He would dream the dreams of what he could have, what he already had but had not yet given breath to.
― The Roots that ClutchRonan could see it. Adam has gained so much more mastery of himself. Confidence he hadn’t had before in the half-started, half-abandoned reachings and leanings toward Ronan, only to pull back at the last. Ronan knows this is in deference to him (and he appreciates that more than he could ever verbalize). Adam wants him to make the choice now, fully wizened to their situation. The situation was also this: Neither of them were locked into a situation they didn’t have the tools to navigate anymore.
― The Roots that Clutch
Shrike, by Hozier
I couldn’t utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I’m singing like a bird ’bout it now
And I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I’m singing like a bird ’bout it now