Katie: Before we get started with today’s installment, I’d like to introduce you to Candace. We were friends in middle school, we lost touch after I moved away, et voila! Behold! The miracle of Facebook restored our friendship after 20 years. She’s wicked smaht, and has advanced degrees that involved her teaching a class on Buffy at Stanford. You know, our kind of people. She’s going to be joining us for our Bible related installments.
Candace: *smile, waves* FYI, I’ll be reading along in The Jewish Study Bible: Featuring The Jewish Publication Society TANAKH Translation. Thanks for having me!
Katie: Now let’s kick some ass…
Previously on Supernatural…
God got very frustrated with her creation. As a result, she was all…
…except for that one guy and his family. They were okay, even if they did have to spend 6 months locked up tight with seasick animals. I can’t even begin to imagine what that smelled like.
Candace: So gross. Maybe that’s why Noah hit the bottle so hard when they made it to dry land.
Chapter 9 says that God told Noah and his kids to get busy with the begetting. Chapter 10 gives us a list of sons begat, which is also a list of clans and nations—”each with its language,” according to Genesis 10:5. But 11:1 tells us that people all have “the same language and the same words,” until they get uppity and undertake some unsanctioned DIY.
Genesis 11:3-4 “The people who lived there began to talk about building a great city, with a temple-tower reaching to the skies – a proud, eternal monument to themselves.”
Candace: God comes down to take a look at what they’re building and basically decides to do some low-key smiting, because those troublemakers can’t be trusted to stay in their place. “Let us, then,” he says to his friends, “go down and confound their speech.” (11:7)
Patty: Now, when He says “us” is he talking to His angel homies or is He doing that plural thing like the Queen of England does?
Candace: Hm. In scholarly circles, the answer is “lesser divinities”—lower-ranking gods, god-like beings, or angels—who make up the heavenly court. So…homies.
Patty: The begatting continued and now we’re at Abram. God tells Abram to go forth and, playing GPS, promises him that he’ll be the father of a great nation if he heads that-a-way. Abram brings his nephew Lot along for the ride.
They make it down to Egypt and here’s where I start to wonder if these people aren’t all on the grift. Abram tells his wife, Sarai, to pretend to be his sister. This is because the woman is apparently knock-down, drag-out gorgeous and Abram believes if they know she’s his wife, they’ll off him to get to her; BUT, if she’s his sister, they’ll welcome him, wanting to get a piece of that. Sure enough, when they get to town everyone’s all “OMG SHE SO PURTY”, she’s taken into Pharaoh’s harem, and Abram gets showered with gifts and booty. (Things-booty, not booty-booty).
Lemme tell y’all right now how well that would have gone over in this household.
God catches wind of this because he’s GOD, and sends a terrible plague upon Pharaoh’s household. Pharaoh is all, “WTF, ABRAM? She’s your WIFE? GTFO! I cannot even with the plaguing, jerkface!” and kicks them, their household and possessions out. It doesn’t state whether Pharaoh took back his stuff, so we assume it all went with Abram.
That, my friends, is how a con is played.
Candace: Yeah, I think Pharaoh is justifiably bent out of shape about this one. Though I think we’re also to assume that Abram is not entirely wrong when he says that telling the truth was dangerous as well.
It was a dilemma. I guess.
So, Abram and his sister wife leave Egypt, taking their loot and all their peeps with them. God has promised Abram that he and his will prosper and multiply, and at least the prosperity part is off to a good start—pretty soon, between Abram and Lot, there are just too many sheep and tents in one place. Abram’s shepherds and Lot’s shepherds start beefing, so Abram tells Lot to pick a direction, north or south, and put some distance between. No need to fight over resources! Lot, who clearly has no home training, looks east, sees that the plain of Jordan looks pretty sweet, and says, “I’ll take that!” All of it. And eastward he goes.
Now, where does Lot decide to settle down? Just outside of Sodom, whose inhabitants “were very wicked sinners.”
This cannot end well.
And God says to Abram, “Listen, buddy. Now that Lot’s out of the picture, let’s get serious. Look around, man. Over here, over there—it’s all yours! You and all the kids I’m gonna make sure you have! For reals—go take a walk and check it out.”
Chapter 14 is that episode of the show where there’s a random, madcap adventure that doesn’t really fit with anything else. Sodom gets invaded and who do you think gets caught up in that mess? Lot. Abram brings basically a small army to the rescue, has a sit-down with the kings of Sodom and Salem, and refuses to keep any of the things-booty for himself.
Patty: One day, Abram is all, “Woe is me. I have no bebes. What good are all of your blessings, God, if I can’t hear the pitter-patter of little feet?”
God tells Abram to chill. He sends Abram outside and tells him to count the stars.
“Ha! Can’t, can you? Lookit, Imma gonna give you so many descendants, you ain’t gonna be able to count them. I promise I’ll get you a son, relax yourself”.
Abram decides to believe God so God is like, YOU ARE MY BOY, ABRAM and tells him that things are going to suck for a l’il bit – some 400 years – but that everything is going to be cool after that.
Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, didn’t believe for one hot second that she would ever see two pink lines, so this brain trust takes one of her servants and gives her to Abram as a second wife, hoping they’ll conceive. She basically hands this poor girl, Hagar, over and tells them to get crackin’.
Hagar gets knocked up and starts preening around, all Gestating Dancing Queen, which pisses Sarai off. Sarai then has the balls to blame Abram, Abram Yes Dears her, and Sarai BEATS HAGAR. Hagar is like, “Eff THIS, I’m outta here” and runs away.
An honest to God angel shows up and is like, “What’s up, girl?
Hagar tells the angel what’s up and he advises her to return to her mistress, STFU and behave, and tells her she’s going to have a son. He even picks the kid’s name (Ishmael, which means “God hears”). He also informs this mother-to-be that her son is going to be a handful, have MAJOR issues with authority and the world at large. Good times.
God changes Abram’s name to AbraHam, ‘cause he’s no longer just “Exalted Father” but now he’s “Father of Nations” and whips out a binding contract stating that He will always be Abraham’s God and his people’s God. What’s Abraham’s part of this deal? Circumcision.
Game of Thrones really does offer up the best gifs.
God then decides he’s changing Sarai’s name to Sarah and tells Abraham he’s going to be a daddy and Abraham is all “LOLOLOL I’m 100 years old. Sarah is 90. Get a grip”. They have a mass circumcision event (OUCH) and that is just too much for me to process.
Candace: Girl, wait ‘til chapter 34.
Patty: Abraham is hanging out one sunny afternoon when three dudes show up. Ever the host with the most, Abe tells them to sit and partake in some tasty treats. They agree and he runs into his tent and tells Sarah to whip up some… pancakes?
Abe runs around all spazzy with the “Get the best calf! Where’s the cheese? WOMAN! WHERE IS THE GOOD MILK?”
He has lunch with the three dudes and I don’t even know how (plot hole) but suddenly God is one of them and is asking for Sarah because he’s gonna get her pregnant next year (She’s been totally eavesdropping, btw and basically laughs her ass off because her biological clock only tells time accurately twice a day).
Katie: SRSLY. You’d think she’d be all
But no. Nope. Nuh-uh.
Patty: God gives her the, “DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T DO, LADY” and the three dudes decide to take off. While walking out, God asks Abe what’s up with the shitshow over in Sodom and Gomorrah.
“I hear it’s like Grand Theft Auto, Vegas edition over there”. Two of the dudes decide to head over to Sodom to check it out while God hangs back.
Abe and God start playing The Price is Right but with righteousness as the big ticket item, Abraham asking God to spare the city if there are x godly people residing in the town limits. Abe barters him down to ten, TEN FREAKING DECENT PEOPLE and God won’t smite the cities. God agrees because it’s an easy bet.
Katie: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find something meaningful to say when you’re writing with two highly intelligent, extraordinarily verbal women? I added some gifs. That’s about it. WAIT. My contribution was Candace, so I win. Obvi.