Previously on Supernatural…
God created some stuff and decided it was good. Two fools did something they were explicitly told not to do and that led to a population explosion (see: begatting).
Now all these people are running around being, well, people, and God is up to HERE with their antics.
It was all sex, drugs and rock n’ roll, 24/7; like a Sig Ep house in the 80’s. There was crime, depravity, and general wickedness all up on earth. Women were having sex with evil giants – these were beings from the spirit world, not the NY Knicks – “of whom so many legends were told”. God was not having it, y’all. He basically gave everyone an ultimatum: “You losers have 120 years to pull your shit together and stop besmirching my Spirit, OR ELSE” (paraphrasing). Needless to say, people DNGAF.
After all the trouble he went through to create life, God is having some buyer’s remorse after all the bad behavior on the part of certain people. Okay, after bad behavior on the part of almost everyone except that one guy.
No. Not that guy. This guy:
God decides he’s going to wipe everyone out and start over, sparing only Noah, his Home Depot credit card, and his family.
He instructs Noah to build a boat – complete with a skylight – ‘cause Someone is about to
Patty: OK, remember when I complained in our first review about how the author glossed over some pretty important events? Well, Ch 6 provides all the detail you could want and more. It’s a step-by-step, DIY manual on how to build an ark. But wait, there’s more! God instructs Noah on exactly how many animals to bring aboard, taking into account those that will be dinner, and even goes so far as to provide an AccuWeather forecast. THIS is the level of detail I wanted in Chapters 1-4.
Katie: Y’all. Noah’s sons and their families were welcome on the Ark, but not his daughters and their families. Old Testament God definitely likes to choose some of his children over others. Good thing I’m a New Testament kinda gal.
Srsly, though. How do you just write off half of your children and grandchildren like that? Have you no soul? But you must, since God favors you above all others.
As someone whose community is still recovering from a major flood, let me tell you, water is inexorable. And gross.
Patty: In our first review we stated that since these stories were handed down orally for years before the first word was written, that perhaps there had been some erm, tweaks, along the way, namely due to translations. Someone Who Shall Not Be Named privately corrected me, noting the discovery of documentation such as the Dead Sea Scrolls, et. al. Fine. I’m willing to bend and revise my previous statement and rationalize that there is likely more detail after Chapter 4 simply because there were more people to remember stuff and tell the tale. Also, thousands of legit scholars have worked on translating these texts so I will err on the side of caution and not assume they used Google Translate but actually knew what they were doing.
Having said that, WHAT?! My Bible doesn’t say anything about there being any other (what’s Noah’s last name? Jones?), um, Joneses except for his sons: Shem, Ham and Japeth.
It says Noah had three sons and that God would keep them and their wives safe on the boat. It does not say, “and as far as your daughters, Heather, Veronica and the other Heather, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID”. I don’t think there were any grandkids at that point. As an aside, THANK GOD for that because can you imagine 10+ months on a boat with dogs, cats, elephants, chickens, your in-laws, and children? It’s enough to make you wonder who is really being punished.
Katie: Gurl. At this point Noah was 600 years old. Do you really think he had only three sons and no grandchildren? Or do you think God was planning this for a long time and kept them from being fruitful until AFTER?
Patty: IT’S ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN. DID YOU NOT READ THE DISCLAIMER?
Katie: Also, I think I may be inserting bits of Many Waters by Madeleine L’Engle into the narrative. Oops. I’m guilty of what Someone Who Shall Not Be Named said didn’t happen. (Also, hey there, Melanir. I know exactly of which you spoke in the comments last time.)
Patty: SWSNBN appreciates accuracy. You will be spared, this time.
(Sidenote: Melanir is not Someone Who Shall Not Be Named. SWSNBN might sue us if we name them. Melanir brought up the giants in a comment on our last post).
So it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and then they had to wait for most of the water to evaporate, which they determined by releasing a dove: if it returned, there was no dry land; if it didn’t, it meant it had found a place to land and the Joneses were free to dock.
When they were all finally allowed off The Love Boat, God was like, “Yeah, maybe I was a bit harsh, you know, killing everything. Let’s not do that again”. God made a rainbow as a No More Flooding the Earth commitment and He told Noah and the rest of the Joneses to repopulate the earth. He also said that all wild animals and birds and fish will be afraid of people because God had placed them in their power.
Or not. But here’s the kicker:
Genesis 9:4-6 “But never eat animals unless their life-blood has been drained off. And murder is forbidden. Man-killing animals must die, and any man who murders shall be killed; for to kill a man is to kill one made like God”. So:
- No steak tartar or faces with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.
- Killing an animal that attacks/is going to attack you is OK. Or one predestined for lunch.
- You can’t kill anyone unless they killed someone; but doesn’t that make you a killer and subject to be killed? Or is this the official breakdown of murder vs killing?
- So are Cain’s actions – back in Chapter 4 – criminalized Ex post facto, since murder just became a thing?
Katie: Did you note that Noah made sacrifices to God after he got off the boat? I wonder what species he destroyed to do so. I mean, the only animals left were those on the Ark, right? So if he sacrificed them, no more of animal x. That doesn’t make any sense.
Patty: There were extras. For eating and sacrificing. Either that or there went the jackalope.
The end of Ch 9 talks about how Noah was a farmer and had a vineyard. Noah got hammered one day and passed out naked in his tent, as one is wont to do. Ham saw him and went to tell his brothers. The other two got a robe and covered the man’s business up.
[Notice how a drunk meme is missing. It’s on purpose. I don’t think taking and posting pictures of drunk people without their consent is funny]
When Noah woke up and heard what Ham had done, he cursed him and all the Canaanites (Ham is the father of Canaan – which, if you’ve ever been to New Canaan, CT, MAKES SO MUCH SENSE) and blessed Shem and Japeth. Why? Because if you see someone passed out drunk and naked, you cover them up. You don’t post pictures on Instagram, you don’t draw a penis on their forehead, you don’t giggle and point and you don’t wring your hands all drama-queen while pretending to clutch your pearls. Don’t be an asshole, basically. I think that is going to be an underlying theme, btw.
Katie: See, to me this whole bit reeks of editorializing. These people had just spent 150+ days locked up tight in a boat together. I’m pretty sure everyone has seen everyone else naked MANY times at this point. Why is this suddenly a thing again?
Okay, so Ham should have honored his father instead of talking shit, but COME ON. His name was HAM. That had to deserve some payback, right? That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen.
Let’s take a moment to truly appreciate the man, the myth, the legend, shall we?
Patty: How do you think Nimrod felt? He’s one of Noah’s descendants, all of whom are listed in Chapter 10, or Almack’s BC edition.
Patty: In the road trip of life, the flood was God’s, “IF YOU DON’T CUT IT OUT, SO HELP ME I’M TURNING THIS CAR AROUND!” to the kids in the back seat. And God does not bluff, y’all.
Katie: #truth, as some Egyptians will find out soon enough. Miles to go, first, though, cuz that’s a whole different book, and we’re only halfway through this one.
Stay tuned, loyal readers. Same bat time, same bat place… well, same place anyway.
…oh, and a bit of shameless self promotion, we are now on Twitter as @PattyKatesCBR