Previously on Supernatural…
Katie: It’s 9:45 p.m. my time when I check my phone and see a series of messages from Patty demanding my immediate attention. Like 10 of them. Since I had spoken with her for 45 minutes earlier in the evening, I decided this deserved another phone call since she was obviously still awake.
Patty: I WILL NOT BE IGNORED.
Katie: I call her, and that’s when I hear excited yankee babbling with a hint of Colombian, “I want you to keep an open mind. Keep an open mind, okay?” I knew that whatever came next would be NUTS.
“I WANT US TO REVIEW THE BIBLE.”
Patty: I may have been drinking.
Spoilers abound henceforth! For reference, Katie is reading The New Jerusalem Bible while I dusted off my 40+ year old version of The Children’s Living Bible, because there is only room for one adult in this relationship.
Katie: Today we’re going to be covering the first 5 chapters of Genesis. That’s the Big Bang, the start of misogyny, a walk in the garden, lying snakes, the first recorded case of slut shaming, murder, and lots and lots of sex. Surely you can see why this is perfect for a PattyKates review.
Patty: Five chapters may not seem like a lot but y’all: A LOT happens. This is some Major League Info Dump. And I know, I know, we usually stick to Romance but THINK OF ALL THE BEGATS!
Begat is just Biblespeak for BOW-CHICABOW-WOW.
Katie: Bill Nye and Neil Degrasse Tyson should love the first chapter of Genesis. It is essentially a blow by blow account of the big bang theory and evolution. There was nothing. Then suddenly! there was something, which grew and changed and became more complex as time passed. And God said it was all good. And then he rested.
Patty: Which, I’m sorry but if there was nothing before, what’s your basis for comparison? Plus, YOU’RE GOD. You can’t do bad. Still though, it has to feel good to be all, “YEAH, I DID THAT. AND I JUST INVENTED THE WORD GOOD AND THAT’S IT”.
Katie: I’m just saying The Bible supports evolution and the Big bang theory. So, you know, IT’S SCIENCE.
Patty: So God makes things like light and water and trees and then I guess decides he needs someone who speaks people words, and makes Adam. Says here He made dude #1 in His own image. Like an American Girl Doll but without the ridiculous price tag and judgy salesperson bartering with you for material proof of your parental devotion.
Adam hangs around the velvet roped Garden of Eden all Zen and chill with the universe but SO BORED. I mean, there’s only so much conversation to be had with trees or whatever. And yeah, he gets to talk to God but, I mean, Adam literally has no history so imagine the awkward silences when God is all, “Remember when I made volcanoes?”
God then decides to make some animals to keep his little dude company – all the animals – and they are cute and whatever but, meh. So one day, while Adam is taking a siesta, God TAKES ONE OF HIS RIBS and MAKES A LADY to keep Adam company. I shit you not.
Adam proclaims, “I’ll call her woMan because she was made from Man. Get it?!” And the first pun was born.
OK, so sure, we can snap our fingers and create the universe but have to forcibly remove part of an endoskeleton to make the Mrs.? How did that not hurt? Also, what? I am because you came first? There’s a chicken-or-the-egg argument that needs to be hashed out. Oh, and did we get consent from Adam or was it a his body, His choice deal?
Katie: Sigh. Chapter 2. Birthplace of misogyny everywhere.
If you ask someone to tell you the story of creation, it’s usually a combination of chapters one and two. I’d really much rather stick with the first.
Patty: And we have to take into account that this is really a translation of the original, so you know there was editorializing all over the damn place.
Katie: Heck, we’re talking thousands of years of oral tradition before the first word was put to page. You know people were adding and taking away as they saw fit. Which is why is the direct word of God crap drives me crazy.
Patty: No doubt. OK, so this chick is named Eve and she and Adam are BFF’s and are all one with nature and it’s all very PC and pleasant. God tells the kids they pretty much have the run of the place except for one Very Special TreeTM. They were told they could eat anything and go anywhere, just no eating from the Special TreeTM. . One rule. That’s it. So guess what happens? NO, GUESS.
These two frolick obediently around for a bit until one afternoon when Eve bumps into a snake; a snake who must have a pretty messed-up backstory, but we’ll get to that later. A very bitter, pissy snake: the kind who if it had a Twitter account, would be all up trolling everyone because misery loves company. Also, it talks people talk and evidently is one hell of a persuasive speaker.
Snake is all, “Eat the fruit from the Ssspecial TreeTM. ”
Eve is all, “No! The G in OMG said not to.”
Snake says, “Pffft! That Dude just wants to keep you young, dumb and…that’s it, actually. Fruit will make you know All The Things. Eeeat it…”
Eve eats it and then says, “Adam, dude, try this shit. Soooo good.”
Adam eats it. Then they hide because they are stupid.
God enters, stage right, and is all, “Where is everybody?”
Adam says, “We’re hiding ‘cause we’re naked. Also, we just learned the word ‘naked’.”
God is like, “So not stealthy. Srsly you guys. Did you eat the thing that I told you not to eat?”
Adam is all, “THE WOMAN MADE ME DO IT!”
Eve is all, “THE SNAKE TOLD ME TO!”
I have to imagine at this point God is doing some MAJOR eye-rolling.
Katie: …and let Millennia of shaming begin. And blame shifting.
Patty: And c-sections. Legless snakes begat Ophidiophobia; sin begat farming, landscaping, cemeteries, and misogyny; misogyny begat misandry. There are a bunch of different interpretations of Genesis 3:16 but it boils down to this: women will have labor pains but still desire their husbands while these will be their masters.
(If you feel so inclined, check out all the versions: http://biblehub.com/genesis/3-16.htm)
Moving on to Chapter 4: THE SEX. Adam and Eve put on some Marvin Gaye and beget 2 boys: Cain and Abel (and eventually Seth, but he is more of an afterthought). Abel is a shepherd/butcher while Cain is a vegan farmer. Ya. No conflict of interest sibling rivalry there.
Katie: True story: I used to babysit Kid. Kid was BRILLIANT, and the eldest child of two lawyers. Needless to say, Kid could argue a grown person into the ground. (This may have happened during negotiations about bedtime.) Kid was enrolled in a prestigious private school – one with religion classes. During a quiz, Kid was asked the name of Cain’s wife. Being the brilliant child of lawyers, Kid gave maybe the best answer possible to this question, “There is not enough evidence to answer this question.” The teacher was furious and wanted Kid suspended for mocking her and spreading blasphemy. To the teacher, the answer was obvious: since the only woman mentioned thus far was Eve, she had to be Cain’s wife.
Patty: Adam and Eve’s lesser-known 4th child? Oedipus. Eddy to those who knew him.
Katie: Of course there are issues between the brothers – people are terrible. You all know where the story goes next. I have to say though, I get that Cain was wrong to be jealous of Abel, but I never understood why God wasn’t satisfied with his offering. The story doesn’t really say.
Patty: Because God liked Abel better. All of his artwork still hangs on heaven’s refrigerator. I think it’s supposed to be a lesson in understanding that you aren’t a special snowflake and to get over yourself as opposed to, say, murdering.
Katie: But aren’t parents supposed to love their children equally? Anyway, Cain was forced to leave after he acted in jealousy. He fathered many children, one of whom founded a great city. At this point I have to ask, WHO LIVED THERE? If it was just Cain’s family, how great could it have been? If there were other people there, WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
Patty: Maybe that’s how the Quiverfull thing got started. I’d have to do the math, but I suppose it’s possible if they all took their begatting seriously.
Patty: It is blasphemous to say that so far, this could have used a professional editor? For a book of such religious, historical and philosophical weight, there is some serious glossing over of some pretty significant stuff. (Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs and dragons.)
Katie: Look, some things are inexplicable, okay? Like giant flying roaches that hiss or spiders big enough to eat a bird. I just try to appreciate the beauty God has given us in life.
Be sure to tune into the next installment of epic proportions as PattyKates tries to figure out the Bible!