Kitty: Remember how we reviewed Kristen Ashley’s Motorcycle Man a short time ago? It’s because Trixie has taken it in her head that we need to compare self-published KA to published, polished and edited KA. Personally I think it’s because she derives pleasure from the mental and emotional distress it causes me.
Trixie: Rule, review: Incomplete sentences. Communicate like men in books. No articles. Few verbs.
Kitty: Own the Wind, the first in the Chaos series, is pretty much the epitome of KA terribleness. Shy, the “hero,” actually starts seriously dating another woman while building his relationship with Tabby because he knows she’s still grieving and not ready for a physical relationship. That’s right: he starts a serious relationship with no regard to either woman’s feelings because he can’t do without sex.
Tabby, the ostensible heroine, is devastated because he’s cheating on her; Rosalie, the other woman, is equally devastated because she thought they were building a serious, solid relationship. What a dick. Literally. Granted, Shy and Tabby weren’t officially dating, but they totally were.
Trixie: YOU BROKE THE RULE! Dammit, Kitty!
It’s importantly skeeveworthy to note that Shy has known Tabby since she was a kid – and he wasn’t. Granted, they don’t exchange fluids until she is comfortably past 18 but…
Maybe I just don’t understand the fateful plan of destiny that love’s journey has in store for this crazy pair. Just like how I don’t understand how no one has sustained a loose tooth, facial sheet burn or neck injury from the copulation acrobatics that KA describes.
Kitty: oh, don’t worry about me. I’m done. I read the whole book, only because I promised I would. It is terrible. TERRIBLE. I think what upsets me most about this is that the hand of the publishing company is somewhat apparent. The phrasing isn’t QUITE as abrupt, awkward and weird, but this also means that someone out there thinks that this is what women actually like. But what the hell do I know? These books have literally thousands of 4 and 5 star reviews on Amazon and the like.
Trixie: OMG, and butt cramps. Do you KNOW how easy it is to get a butt cramp when – nevermind.
Kitty: As with all KA books, communication continues to be an issue. This one, though… this one has the added charm of being full of “stand with your man ahead of everyone else, even your kids and self” crap. The others definitely flirted with this idea, but this one makes it plain.
Trixie: You are doing it wrong. You have to drink while doing this shit, like me. But to your point, these books are shockingly popular. I can’t decide if it’s some daddy-issue thing or if it’s like when you get hooked on a soap opera even though you know it’s a bargain-basement depiction of high drama in addition to being a colossal waste of time. And LORD they are LONG. I’m guessing KA is trying to stay away from that whole Porn Without Plot thing, but Godalmighty… blablablaPORNblablablaGRUNTblablabla. It is a little less, um, offensive? No. Ridiculous? Nah. Maybe just not as totally off the rails as Motorcycle Man.
Anyway, long story short: Tabby is the daughter of the Chaos Motorcycle gang club’s leader (the Tack guy from our last review), she’s been in lurve with Shy-whose-real-name-I-can’t-bother-to-remember (because biker nicknames, man) since she was a teenager and drama and oh, noes, and biker codes and SoA lite and kill me now.
Kitty: Trixie, I just found a booger in my hair. I have no idea how it got there. I may have to self immolate now to cleanse the germs. Or maybe just to forget the torture of reading this crap. I’m not doing this again.
Trixie: And with that perfect moment, we wrap this one up.
Give me a couple of days, I’ll get Kitty to read Book 2.
