Every year I start out strong and think, maybe this will be my year. I also am that girl who buys a new calendar every January, uses it until the 11th, and then gives up cause Google calendar is easier. But this year I’m NOT buying a calendar, so…. maybe that’s a good sign? (I mean, it’s only January 1st. I haven’t been to Target yet.)
Anyway. Spoilers ahead. Lots.
This is the 31st installment of these books, and yes, I have read every single one of them. I can’t tell you what happens in each one, but I can tell you that Stephanie and Ranger first do the horizontal mambo in book 7. Or maybe book 8. It’s pretty early on. I can also tell you that they do it again many many many books later. At DisneyWorld. There is Tinkerbell underwear involved.
#TeamRanger
When we last left Stephanie, she was engaged to Ranger. And Morelli. Turns out, Morelli sold his pool table and bought a dining room set and proposed, but Stephanie had already said yes to Ranger like, three days earlier. Neither guy ponied up for a ring, though, which, c’mon, my dudes. I’m not surprised Ranger didn’t – he has to get one made with a special tracker in it and that probably takes time – but Morelli should have had like, Grandma Bella’s cursed ring or something at the ready. Anyway, we open this chapter with Stephanie realizing that she celebrated her engagements (both of them) with her fiancés (both of them) only two days apart, which normally wouldn’t be a big deal, except that her birth control has expired. So now we’re wondering if she’s got a bun in the oven.
Her FTAs this time aren’t nearly as wacky as they usually are, but there is a weirdo vampire who is actually a bad guy. There’s also a fruit king, a killer chihuahua who naturally saves the day, a modern day Robin Hood, a real weird guy named Herbert who is kind of a harmless stalker who talks way too much, and we finally get to meet Harry the Hammer, who, sharp-eyed readers will remember, is Vinny’s father-in-law. Harry’s not such a bad guy, even if he does like to look at boobs. He’s a letch, but kind of a harmless one.
In between searching for her FTAs and fending off Herbert’s advances and taking Grandma to the funeral home, Stephanie tries to make a decision about which hot guy to marry. And I’ll tell you who she picks at the end of this review, so if you don’t want to know, stop reading now.
Lula and Connie know about the possible baby Plum, and Connie is mostly buying doughnuts and giving out files, but Lula is excited about the prospect of becoming an auntie, which, I have to say, made me a little verklempt. I mean, I’m not sure I’d want my kids to have an auntie Lula, but I for damn sure would want one for myself. And Lula would love that kid to bits. Maybe not the best babysitter, but for sure the best aunt.
Morelli isn’t around a whole lot and of course Ranger is the one who rescues Stephanie in the end, with an assist from the aforementioned chihuahua. Ranger also talks way more in this episode than in a lot of the others. Like, he calls Stephanie just to check in. I’d like some more Ranger apartment time, but Stephanie’s got to figure her shit out. Plus, she is off sex until she knows if she’s pregnant. Also, Stephanie’s sister Valerie makes an appearance, along with her niece, who still thinks she’s a horse, but talks like a normal person in between galloping around the kitchen.
In the end, she freaking marries Morelli. Which, I kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind of think Janet didn’t have another choice. Ranger is not the marrying kind. But also. It’s RANGER. I mean. How do you tell Ranger no? Morelli is hot and all, and even smart, but… Ranger is RIGHT THERE. And he LOVES YOU. GIRL. GET IT TO.GET.HER.
Also, Aunt Flo arrives and there’s no baby Plum. Yet.
And the book ends with Ranger putting an airtag in Stephanie’s pocket, tongue kissing her, and telling her he gives it two months.
And then Janet says “not the end”.
No shit, Janet. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE RANGER.
Which just means I’m gonna have to keep reading.
