Listen: I loved this book so much that I am completely unable to be a reasonable person about it. I don’t know how to write a proper, coherent review when all I’ve got is excited hand-flapping and maybe also shrieks of excitement. So, instead, please enjoy this series of increasingly unhinged text messages that I sent to my friend Danielle over the course of about 48 hours.
Okay, so, I’m reading this on my lunch break (started it when you first lent it to me, but I wasn’t in a sci-fi state of mind, so I decided to save it for when I WAS, for maximum enjoyment) – and I am in LOVE with these completely batshit nerds.
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Cordelia: we’re stuck survivalist camping in the woods like this is Cold Mountain, so let’s WORK THROUGH our TRAUMA.
Aral: Marry me. Like, right now. I’ve known you THREE DAYS and if we don’t get married IMMEDIATELY I’m worried you’ll get the wrong idea!
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Neither of these loons have enough social skills to fill a Dixie cup, and it’s the BEST
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I love that Cordelia’s like: I’m not sure if I’ll ever have children! I really want them, but I’m a little worried they’d just turn out to be optimistic catastrophists with no zero regard for social norms! That’d be crazy, right?
And Aral basically just goes: that sounds RAD. We should have these kids IMMEDIATELY.
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Every time Aral tells Cordelia’s she’s the coolest thing he’s ever seen in his life, I’m just like HARD SAME, SIR.
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Cordelia describing the inexplicably deep connection between her and Aral to her mother as “when he’s cut, I bleed” might just live in my head FOREVER.
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The fact that EVERYONE we meet from the Beta Colony SPECIFICALLY mentions that they didn’t vote for the current president is hilarious.
Everyone! Not a single person voted for this man!
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Cordelia’s like “sorry I had a panic attack on live TV and kicked the president in the balls” – and the SECRET SERVICE guy just goes “no prob, I didn’t vote for him!”
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Also great: Cordelia’s ongoing efforts to evade any and all psychologists, because there’s no good way to be like “I’m not memory-wiped, I SWEAR, I just don’t want to have to EXPLAIN how I met my soulmate but he’s from EVIL SPARTA.”
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Military tries to gaslight Cordelia into thinking she’s been brainwashed. Cordelia NOPES right off the PLANET instead.
Gotta love her.
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(The space semi-truck driver she convinces to let her space hitchhike with ALSO did not vote for the president).
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She has just shown up at Aral’s house, said hi to his very confused dad, and marched up to his Depression Hovel like: “so I’m gonna need you to quit drinking, lose the ugly Hawaiian shirt, and get your shit together so I can marry your crazy ass.”
Aral is THRILLED. God, I love these weirdos.
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You’re right that it’s not billed as a romance – but that is a MISTAKE, because that’s why we didn’t get to see them ELOPE on-page, and that is a TRAVESTY.
Still very glad they’re married now, though. They’ve been acting married for like a year, so it’s about time Barrayan law caught up!
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They are presently visiting the Emperor, and it’s going approximately like this:
Emp: “I am OLD and SENILE, so everybody should TELL me their SECRETS”
Aral: “You are literally 65, and you’ve been claiming you’re dying for over a year.”
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Granted, the Emperor (who I suspect is not long for this world – not because he’s old, he’s BARELY old, but because everybody in Barrayar is VERY assassination-happy!) – basically follows up the call out with:
“Aral, dude, you just tried to retire at 45. Don’t come at me with this!”
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I love them SO much
Cordelia is totally unphased – but that is presumably because HER government is ALSO run by a dweeb that nobody voted for!
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Beta Colony ITSELF seemed very cool (we did get to see a mostly-naked street parade!) – it’s just their MILITARY that tried to screw Cordelia over!
(And that President nobody voted for!)
(NOBODY. Not Cordelia! Not the secret service! Not the space truck driver! Nobody!)
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Okay, I’m AWARE that it’s 3am – but I’m hoping your phone is on silent!
Because Cordelia (in an effort to understand the bizarre puritanical leanings of Barrayans) has just made a LIST of all the SEX ACTS that seem to be taboo to bring up in conversation.
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She shows this list to Aral, for proofreading.
He just goes: “there are a few things on this list even WE haven’t tried yet – but we totally should!”
(She’s game, naturally!)
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(This WHOLE shenanigan comes about when the two of them theorize that his secretary is so cold to the girl who OBVIOUSLY likes him because he had his nervous system re-constructed by the WORST doctors in the galaxy, and perhaps his penis doesn’t work.
Cordelia’s just like: “there are LOTS of sex acts still on the table – but apparently I’m not supposed to MENTION any of them???”)
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Also great: Cordelia ribbing her father-in-law about his sexist nonsense.
Piotr: women fighting is positively un-military
Cordelia: y’all’s male-only army LOST the WAR, my dude!
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Some random politico at a party has just tried to scandalize Cordelia with the fact that Aral is bisexual.
Cordelia’s next immediate line of dialogue is unfortunately clouded by the 1980s-era assumption that sexual orientation ceases to exist once you’re monogamous – but that’s clearly a writing product-of-it’s-time thing.
The BROAD strokes of the conversation just go:
Rando: you know he’s *scandalous whisper* “bisexual”
Cordelia: Yeah, OBVIOUSLY, his evil ex-boyfriend LITERALLY tried to murder me in a jealous rage once. Dude’s dead now, though, so we’re cool.
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Rando tries again, this time with: but he’s got such a PAST!
Cordelia: Duh, we are literally in our 40s. It’d be fucking WEIRD if he DIDN’T.
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Oh! Also: we’ve now been through SEVERAL emperors. Goodness, these people in Evil Sparta are assassin-happy!
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(Technically, no one assassinated the new child emperor. Yet. Not for lack of trying, though!)
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Also ALSO: god bless Cordelia and her never-ending chill. She survives an assassination attempt, and her father-in-law is a colossal pain in the ass about the aftermath. She’s unflappable, naturally!
Piotr: but your unborn kid with be DISABLED, god forbid!
Cordelia: …yeah? I fail to see the problem, my dude. Except now I’m a little worried about how into eugenics you are!
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Meanwhile, in the love lives of everybody’s assistants:
Cordelia’s Bodyguard: thinks she’s having a pregnancy scare, despite the fact that she slept with a man whose penis doesn’t work.
Aral’s Secretary: thinks the fact she’s anxious means that he was wrong about the encounter being consensual, now riddled with guilt.
Cordelia, sits them both down: “you two are the DUMBEST motherfuckers ALIVE.”
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FINISHED. And properly obsessed!
That’s it. That’s my review.
In my defense: Danielle DID ask me to live-text her. What else was she expecting!
(Sidenote: I do want to give one trigger warning, which is that there is an attempted sexual assault at roughly the 30% mark in the book. However, the perpretrator is murdered by a secondary character immediately. There is also some discussion of the use of rape as a weapon of war – in the it’s-against-the-Geneva-Convention-for-a-good-fucking-reason way. I didn’t personally find it triggering, but your milage may vary!)
