I could not be that scarless, fearless boy again. But, for a little while at least, I had been someone I could almost stand. Pieces of a better self, reflected in someone else’s eyes.

The truth was, somewhere down the line, between the hospitalisations and the drugs, I’d somehow lost the cornerstone of humanity: the ability to pretend, to counterfeit the basics of social interaction, to smile when you didn’t feel like smiling, to seem like you cared about other people when you lacked the capacity to care about yourself. So that left me, graceless and wearied, pretending to pretend.
― Alexis Hall, Glitterland

It’s difficult, sometimes, for me to understand that I have the power to hurt someone. You see, it requires me to accept that somebody might like me in the first place.
― Alexis Hall, Glitterland

Ash is a successful and wealthy author living in London. He also has severe anxiety, is bipolar, and grudgingly relies on his ex, Niall, to help him when he gets stuck. It is more nuanced than that, but Ash is trapped by his condition and only forces himself to interact with other people out of fear of losing his remaining friends.

At a stag party, Ash meets Darian, aka the “glitter pirate”. Darien is loud, colorful, ridiculous, unselfconscious, and kind – everything that Ash is not. Ash keeps running, pushing Darian away, and making every poor decision possible. Ash knows what he is doing is hurtful but, because of his crippling self-loathing and depression, he is incapable of making unselfish choices.

Wow, that sounds cheerful, doesn’t it? This is a very sad and also very funny and charming book. I’m surprised I liked it as much as I did because Ash behaves in such a detestable manner. I feel so much empathy for him though. He knows he is making the wrong choices and he hates himself for it. But he chooses to put himself first in order to survive.

While Ash is suffering and anxiety personified, Darian is a human rainbow. He is ridiculously kind, patient, silly, and forgiving of Ash’s rejections. Darian is too perfect. If he had been even a tiny bit sleazy, then it would be harder to dislike Ash so much.

Also, Darian’s best friend Chloe is the sunshine I didn’t know I was missing. I need a book about Darian and Chloe’s Essex escapades right now.

Glitterland is part of Alexis Hall’s “Spires” series, which includes “For Real.”

Content warning for mentions of self-harm and mentions of attempted suicide.