Hi. My name is Anastasia Rose Steele. This is totally an actual person name and not made up in any way. I go by Ana, as in pro-Ana, because we share a sense of destructive self-loathing. Anyhoodle, can I just tell you about this totally charming guy I met? I hated him the first time I saw him. It was love at first sight.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. First of all, with my trim frame and my luscious brown hair and my ability to ensnare a Fortune 500 CEO simply by tripping over my own feet, I am really ugly. I know this because everyone keeps trying to tell me I’m a total babe, which is totes annoying. I’m also an English major capable of describing a piece of furniture as modest and opulent at the same time, which can, perhaps, be explained by the fact that I, allegedly a college graduate in the 21st century, do not own a computer or an email address. Apparently I’ve handed in all my papers in cursive longhand, or perhaps I’ve chiselled them onto a stone tablet. My best friend is Katherine Kavanagh, which is also totally not a made-up name. I hate her. That stupid bitch is always trying to do things to me like asking me how I am or expressing her concern about my One True Love’s controlling behaviour or letting me live in her massive apartment for free. That whore even had the temerity to introduce me to my BELOVED.
Speaking of which: I enjoy sex. This came (ha ha, get it? Came!) as a bit of a surprise as I spent the first twenty-one years of my life blissfully unaware of the fact that I have a vagina. And then I met Christian. His pants hang off his hips, not like normal people whose pants usually hang around their armpits or their knees or something, I don’t know because I’ve never paid attention to anything. Anyway, Christian is gorgeous. He has grey eyes (because his last name is Grey and it’d be confusing if his eyes were brown) and hair and a body. Two legs, I think. I’ve never counted them. He also has a penis! Did you know, dear reader, that you can put penises in vaginas, and that it… feels kind of good? I know, it sounds kind of gross but as a twenty-one year old who just had sex last week for the first time, trust me on this.
So anyway, Christian is more than just a penis and a helicopter owner (he has a helicopter! Such a turn-on!). He’s also the best boyfriend ever! He bought me a car that I didn’t want and a computer that I didn’t want and a phone that I didn’t want, and a bunch of other things that I didn’t want like a first edition of Tess of the D’Urberviles, which is SUCH a romantic book! Anyway, none of these things make me happy, especially because he expects me to keep in check with him constantly and follow all these rules that he’s set up and it makes me very uncomfortable, but hey, that’s love, right?
Anyway, besides a helicopter and a penis, Christian also has a special room in his house. He calls it the Red Room of Pain. Personally I think it’s a horrible name – if anything, it’s more burgundy than red – but once he’d shown me this room, I was hooked. Okay, actually, I was kind of terrified and horribly confused and then he got angry that I was a virgin because of reasons I failed to understand and then he wanted me to sign a contract that said he could stick his fist up my ass, but aside from that, I was SOLD. He has a wooden cross, on which we had sex. HE NAILED ME ON THE CROSS haha no but seriously there could be a metaphor in there somewhere but thinking is hard.
Did you know, dear reader, that it’s only true love if you sign away your own desires to be with a person you think is far too good for you? It’s true! Trust me on this, I am an English major who doesn’t know that words have meanings. Christian loves to beat me. I’m his sub. He forgot to explain to me exactly how that works but it’s probably okay, because it’s True Love. And it’s fine that it makes me uncomfortable, really, because I keep breaking these unreasonable rules that he’s set out for me in the unenforceable contract that I haven’t yet signed
And there’s so much to love, dear reader! Christian’s controlling behaviour, which shows that he really loves me. The fact that he was repeatedly raped by an older woman, which is both hot and makes me very jealous. His repeated efforts to fingerbang me at his parents’ dinner table. Seriously, every time I get close to him my inner goddess starts jumping up and down. I think she strangled my sense of self-respect when I was asleep.
I have so much more to tell you, dear reader – did you know you can insert penises into anuses now? – but you’ll have to wait for the sequel. I sense my journey with Christian isn’t over yet. For one, he hasn’t managed to alienate me from ALL of my friends and family yet, but don’t worry, give it time.
After all, it’s the greatest romance of all time.