Previously on Supernatural….
Ishmael and Abraham’s baby mama are kicked to the desert curb because Sarah has ISSUES and God pranks Abraham with the old “sacrifice your son” gag then promises more descendants ruling over everything forever. This week…
Patty: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. Sarah finally bites it at the ripe old age of 127. Good riddance, I say. Abraham needs a place to bury his wife, so most of Ch 23 is all:
Abraham: Let me pay you for the land to bury my wife.
Ephron: No, I couldn’t. Just bury your wife on my land.
Abraham: No, srsly, let me pay you.
Ephron: No, I – really.
Abraham: I insist.
Ephron: Well, OK.
Abraham, who is now really getting up there in years, is all kinds of concerned about his baby boy’s potential future bride and so decides to make his loyal manservant promise that he will help him produce an episode of Desert Bachelorette: The Search for Isaac’s Best Bride.
Genesis 24:1 “Swear by Jehovah, the God of heaven and earth, that you will not let my son marry one of these local girls, these Canaanites. Go instead to my homeland, to my relatives, and find a wife for him there”.
Evidently, second-degree incest is preferable to marrying a townie. Nonetheless, the manservant packs up his master’s best wares and camels and heads off to find wife candidates. He stops over at a spring where a handful of local girls are getting water. He makes a deal with God: if he asks one of the girls for a drink and she also offers to water his camels, that’s his girl.
I mean, sure. Why not. And that’s how we meet Rebekkah.
Katie: BLAH BLAH BLAH.
y’all. Genesis 24:22-23
(22) So it was, when the camels had finished drinking, that the man took a golden nose ring weighing half a shekel, and two bracelets for her wrists weighing ten shekels of gold, (23) and said, “Whose daughter are you? Tell me, please, is there room in your father’s house for us to lodge?”
Lemme share screenshots of my conversation with Patty about these two verses. Blasphemy ahead. You’ve been warned.
So. To recap: Good ol’ Abe sent out his servant to find Isaac a bride. Servant finds a girl who is excellent at “watering camels,” and those two wild and crazy kids are betrothed before they know what happened.
Patty: Not one to fall behind, Abraham remarries and he and his new wife, Keturah, have a bunch of kids before he dies at the age of 175. A bunch of begatting happens and we find out that camel-watering Rebekkah is pregnant with twin boys:
Genesis 25:23 And he told her, “The sons in your womb shall become two rival nations. One will be stronger than the other; and the older shall be a servant to the younger!”
Lovely. Because it’s just not the Old Testament without some sibling rivalry.
One of the boys, Esau, is described as a ginger who grows up to be a skillful hunter while the other one, Jacob (named “grabber” because he was born hanging on to Esau’s foot) is more the quiet type.
Katie: Well. That’s about 1000000% accurate.
Patty: Naturally, the parents play favorites because THAT’S healthy; Esau being Issac’s and Jacob being the apple of Rebbekah’s eye. Trouble starts brewing between the boys one fine day when, after returning from a hunt, a hungry Esau asks his brother what’s for dinner. (Some kind of stew, fyi). Jacob then offers to trade a meal for his brother’s birthright. Esau, clearly not the brains in this equation, agrees.
What. First of all, son: you can’t make yourself a freaking sandwich? Secondly, how good is that damn stew that you are willing to trade your rights as first-born for a bowl? Who does that? What is wrong with these people?? When is any of this going to start making sense?
In conclusion… Katie, what the hell is our conclusion?
Katie: Remember that quote? The one about mankind being doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past because no one pays any attention to history? Genesis illustrates this point pretty clearly.
And finally… you had to know this was coming. Can’t spend a whole review cracking aside about what happened at The Oasis without including the song that was written for just this situation.