Warning: DEFINITELY NSFW, and all of the spoilers.
In keeping with tradition, I decided to start CBR9 off with a bang…or at least, a Tingle. As I’ve already covered 2 of author Chuck Tingle’s preferred 4 types of erotica (living objects and dinosaurs), I figured that it was time to grab this one by the horn.
I swear this gets harder every year.
What I mean is that these books are getting more and more difficult to swallow.
Our story opens with “If you ask someone who their favorite writer is, most will immediately jump to the classics of genre; like King, Rowling, or Tingle.” And just like that, I am sold.
Our scholarly protagonist, Toobo, doesn’t much care for fiction, as he prefers to spend at least an hour and a half every day reading the news, most of that time focused on his very favourite writer: Jessica Borto, whose “…nuggets of truth have become massive chunks”. Yikes. Jessica has become the only journalist that Toobo reads, because “In a world of lies, Jessica shows me the truth through her daily posts on Buttbart.com”. That’s right, gentle readers, Tingle is mocking bullshit alt-right white supremacist fake news sources, and I am HERE FOR IT. The article excerpts are full of EXCELLENT mocking, like “If you share this, your elitist friends are going to feel so dumb!” and “They’ve got data but you’ve got opinions, and who says those can’t hold just as much weight?”, and I feel like those were probably taken directly from that Tomi chick’s Facebook page.
As Toobo is perusing Buttbart, he runs into an old friend, Gorn, who tells him that that “fake news lady” recently moved to town. Poor Toobo is completely heartbroken to discover that space raptor butt invasions aren’t actually happening behind the White House, and decides to confront the fraudulent Jessica to discover the truth once and for all. After some quick Googling, Toobo finds Jessica’s home address, but is confused when an old lady answers the door and directs him to the basement. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the greatest character introduction of ALL TIME:
“I’m a big fan,” I continue, “but I’m guessing that you’re not who you say you are.”
“Why would you say that?” the figure questions.
“Because you’ve got a giant spiral horn on the top of your head and a beautiful flowing mane”
Toobo discovers that “Jessica” is in fact Yerno, a studly unicorn living in his parents’ basement while making the big bucks working for a Russian fake news site (“… for some reason the Russian companies really want this fake news out there”). While Yerno laments that his life used to have meaning, Toobo tries to come to grips with his crumbling beliefs: “Everything is a lie!” “Not everything, just the crazy conspiracy theories your conservative friends post on social media”. Oh Dr. Tingle, I think I might love you.
The attraction between the two men grows stronger as they trot along the lake, and when they finally stop at the end of a dock, Toobo just can’t handle the sexual tension anymore, and kisses Yerno’s luscious unicorn lips, which leads to some heavy petting: “…me and Yerno’s hands are roving wildly across one another’s muscular bodies, searching for the physical truth of one another under this haze of fiction.”, before Toobo gets on his knees “…savoring the taste of his hearty unicorn rod”. So, now I’m confused. Yerno has hands? Human torso, but also a unicorn head? AND hooves? Is he like a unicorn-faun? Is that a thing???
Miracle of miracles, we finally have a Chuck Tingle sex scene that did not make me dry-heave, mostly because I was too busy laughing my own muscular rump off. It’s short and sweet, and has some of the best lines I’ve ever read. Seriously. Fucking GOLD.
“Yerno leans back his unicorn head and lets out a long, satisfied neigh […] He stamps his hooves on the wooden dock playfully, showing me his best trot as I continue to service him.”
But for realz, “Fake News, Real Boners” is BY FAR the best Chuck Tingle book that I have read so far. The digs at the alt-right white supremacists who perpetrate ridiculous fake news stories were divine, there was no weird domination stuff (*side-eyes “Billionaire Triceratops…”*), and the whole thing was less than 20 pages long. It also seemed more coherent and better formatted, with less glaring typos and grammar mistakes. But mostly, this book was freaking hilarious.
Gird your lions for the best dirty talk ever written, and the sentiments that valhallabackgirl has requested adorn her tombstone.
“Oh my god, I’m so fucking full of your fake news writing dick! You’re filling my ass like you’ve filled my brain with misinformation!”
Did I mention there was a bonus story? Called “Kissed on the Weiner by My Own Weiner”? Full review on my blog.