Ugh. I feel dirty. And not in the “oh baby, I’m a dirty girl” way that I’m sure E.L. James wants me to feel, but in an unclean, “Oh God, I can’t believe I actually read this trash” kind of way. But I am a firm believer in the idea that you have to know something to really be able to make fun of it, and so, to my everlasting shame, I have read all three 50 Shades books, and now this reborquel garbage.
For those of you who have just escaped a happy existence under a rock, Grey is the latest opus by fanfic writer extraordinaire, E.L. James. It’s the exact same book as Fifty Shades of Grey, but in an unheard-of new twist (*coughMidnightSuncough*), the story is now being told from the perspective of the vampire…I mean, billionaire Christian Grey.
For starters, credit where credit is due, it appears that James’s publishers finally insisted on an editor for this one. That’s not to say the writing has in any way improved, but there are way less cringe-inducing mistakes. Also, this new editor must be American because the blatant Britishisms are gone, and in their place are a lot more descriptions about American places and things. Are you dying to know the street names where Christian goes jogging, or the river that he fished in as a child? Grey has got you covered.
And that’s about it for my positive comments.
Throughout the book, James overcompensates to show the reader just how different and worldly Christian is compared to pure, innocent Ana. He makes business calls about Darfur and emails various important business associates, all while not actually being at work because he is too busy stalking Ana. Did you think it was weird that a grown-ass woman referred to her lady bits as “down there”? No worries! Christian is here to tell us all about Ana’s vulva, labia, clitoris and perineum. Now I’m no best-selling romance author, but I’m pretty sure there exists some sort of literary middle ground between “down there” and an anatomy textbook.
James seems to genuinely think that telling the story from Christian’s point of view will silence all the critics saying that this is essentially a very abusive relationship. James seems to be under the impression that I will think that Christian is less of a creepy stalker if I know that he is aware that tracking Ana’s cell phone is illegal, so he asks his outside security guy to do it, as opposed to calling his company tech guy. Or that I will think better of Christian for ditching Ana with no aftercare if I know that he’s internally conflicted about not being the romantic “hearts and flowers” guy that she needs. THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER. The worst example of this is the mention of safewords. Throughout the more intense sexual escapades, including the brutal belting of Ana at the end of the FSOG, Christian’s inner monologue goes something along the lines of “I pause, but she didn’t safeword. Good girl. I keep spanking/flogging/fucking/belting her”. Yeah, no. That does not make it better, Ms. James. When the girl who was a virgin 5 minutes ago, who has already talked about how scared she is of physical punishment, is sobbing and shaking while being smacked with a belt, the onus should not be on HER to fucking safeword. A good Dom – hell, a good PARTNER – should be aware if his/her partner is in abject misery.
Overall, the worst thing I can say about this book is that it was BORING. I get that E.L. James was hampered by her own story, but it’s incredibly unexciting to read a story where you know everything that’s going to happen. Not just the ending, but Every. Single. Event. Anything not included in FSOG is basically just Christian going about his daily life – jogging! Emailing! Talking on the phone! Being a condescending dick to everyone around him! Seriously, it’s just so dull.
(Sidenote: my computer suggests “grey” as a synonym for “dull”. Well played, computer.)
