I sought out this book because I liked the short-lived show, and wanted to see if the book would tell me what happened after the show got canceled. Unfortunately, the only thing the book and the TV show had in common was a main character named Jane.
Brief (or as brief as I get) synopsis before I spoil the hell out of the plot so I can tell you everything Jane did wrong:
Jane is a beautiful young orphan who ran away from her overbearing grandmother as soon as she was old enough to leave home. When she has a whirlwind romance with Malcolm Doran, she brings him home to meet her grandmother before she runs off with him to be his New York City bride. Alas, she finds a dead grandma and a note telling her she’s a witch, but she must always hide this fact because there are those who would steal her power (she was overbearing because she was protecting Jane). Jane puts on her heirloom magical ring, experiences some weird power surges, and then goes on about her engagement and moving in with Malcolm’s terrifyingly rich and intimidating family. What they want: to buy her clothes, for her to conduct herself properly as a Doran, grandchildren. What they don’t want: Jane to have a job or friends or any decision-making abilities. Things get nuts, it turns out they’re a family full of witches who only want her for her power, and Jane gets more powerful and yet more stupid with every page.
Okay, it takes Jane 162 pages before she figures out that her wicked future mother-in-law and all the creepy aunts and cousins are witches. Even though there are practically flashing neon signs all over the creepy mansion that Something Isn’t Right. Plus, after depositing her in his ancestral home, Malcolm pretty much abandons her to go jetting off to art shows and stuff. Jane stays put and cries.
When she finally finds out that Malcolm’s family is all magical and wicked (thanks to a new co-worker who just happens to be from another NYC witchy family), she confronts Malcolm. Basically, magical power passes through the females of the family, and Malcolm’s sister died as a child. The only way to keep the line going is for him to have a daughter with a powerful witch. The Doran family handpicked Jane because they knew she was a witch who didn’t know she was a witch, so wouldn’t figure out what they were doing. Jane is hurt and heartbroken and betrayed and throws her giant engagement ring at Malcolm and stomps off…for two whole pages. BUT WAIT I LOVE YOU, Malcolm says from his Porsche. It all started as a ruse, but he really loves her! And he had to keep leaving the house because his evil mother can read his mind! And to keep their true love a secret, Jane must go back to the creepy mansion, pretend she knows nothing, and suck it up till the wedding. While he leaves the country. Jane actually falls for this and they have sex in his car. Sigh.
BUT WAIT she gets dumber. With the help of her new witchy friends, she trains and builds her powers, all the while planning a wedding with the world’s worst mother-in-law, with the groom nowhere to be found. The wedding is soon, cause we need new witchy babbies STAT. So she shops (lots of brand-name-dropping) and plans and dodges the crazy brother in the attic (what?) and pretends she’s never heard of witches.
Malcolm shows up the morning of the wedding, they get hitched, and now with Jane’s newly-honed abilities, she can read her new husband’s mind! The first thing she sees is a memory of Malcolm killing her grandmother, so that Jane would be all alone in the world and vulnerable. Sigh. JANE. Why are you SO STUPID.
This is already the world’s longest review of a book I didn’t like, so I’ll sum up: things get weirder. She tries to run away, but they lock her in the attic so the crazy brother can impregnate her, since Malcolm is now chained in the dungeon and they still need a new daughter of the bloodline. Jane escapes, but goes BACK into the house to free Malcolm, because he really did grow to love her – he was just following his evil mother’s orders. JANE. There’s a big witchy battle in a cab, then Jane sends Malcolm off on a train and she goes off on her own. She can’t love him anymore, knowing what she knows (FINALLY). She must grow into her witchy powers and she’s tired of running. She stomps off into Grand Central Station in her wedding dress. The end.
Oh my god. She should’ve left at least 147 times before it got to the wedding, and at least 8 more before it got to being chained up in the attic. The shopping and the rich fiance seems very Mary Sue, but nobody should write their character this dumb. She’s woefully unconcerned about her witchiness, and basically just wanders around with a “victim here” sign posted on her back. I’m almost tempted to read the sequel, just to see how someone this incompetent is going to fare with going underground. I’m sure she’ll forgive Malcolm a few more times, until she finds out he skinned her puppy when she was in first grade. And slept with her best friend in high school. And wrote her phone number on all the bathroom stalls on her college campus. And posted naked photos of her on Facebook. But it was all because of his mother! He really loves her!
Don’t read this. Or read the second one, and tell me what happens. Or let’s just write our own endings to the show in our heads.
