During Cannonball Bingo, I read The Sound of Stars in which a character identifies as ace or maybe demi-ace. The use of ace as an identifier was unfamiliar to me and a google search later brought me to the definition of ‘ace’ being a shorthand for asexual. My initial thought was that was interesting as I hadn’t been familiar with the term but then ‘ace’ got tucked away.
Then I read Narfna’s review and had the realization that asexuality was something I needed to look further into because of how parts of the review seemed to click, so I ordered the book. I’ve been struggling, looking for answers, and for the first time, something seems to fit. The human experience is largely regarded as a mostly universal experience but what Chen looks at in her book is how much society shapes expectation of that experience, in particular regard to the desire for sex.
Compulsory sexuality is a new concept for me but as Chen lays things out it becomes apparent how baked into our society is the assumption that there is a baseline desire for sex that is the same for everyone. That if you don’t share the same desire either you haven’t found the correct partner/sex act or are still repressed from previous thinking of what is appropriate. The result is that if one doesn’t have the same drive for sex, there must be something wrong or defective with the person. This thinking is incredibly harmful on so many levels. Personally, it has had me chasing a ‘solution’ for a ‘problem’.
Doing away with compulsory sexuality also means doing away with hypersexualization and desexualization. Many voices are needed. No more being thought strange for not wanting sex, or people being shocked if you do. We should ask people what they want and not be surprised, no matter the answer. And we should tell them that no matter their answer, we will work to make sure that life can be good for all.”
This is a good book for anyone wondering if they might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Just as with other aspects of sexual identity, there are many ways to be asexual and Chen shares the experiences of aces to help paint a broader picture. It is also a good book for anyone looking to expand their knowledge of sexuality and how it intersects with society.
Oh, it makes me happy that my review got you to read this! The feeling of relief you have when you realize you don’t have to keep “solving the problem” because there is no problem is so great.
I heard about this book on a crowdcast panel. I also realized had a lot to learn about the ace spectrum. If you’re curious, here it is: https://www.crowdcast.io/e/ace-what-asexuality
I’ll check it out, thanks!
I feel so much comfortable in my own skin now that I’ve realised and accepted that I’m ace (not aromantic, I still love my husband very much). It’s pretty much the letter in the LGBTQIA-acronym that most people know little to nothing about and that I can’t remember ever gets touched on in sex education in schools (as a secondary school teacher, I’ve sat in on many a sex ed lesson to make sure the giggling and stupid jokes doesn’t get out of hand). I felt like some sort of frigid freak for so much of my adult life, and my husband kept feeling bad and inadequate as well. Now we are much happier and I no longer feel like I have some sort of fundamental fault or something that’s lacking inside me. It was so good to see it covered briefly in Sex Education, season two. “sex doesn’t make us whole. And so, how could you ever be broken?” – I wish I’d heard that about two decades ago, when I started being sexually active.
I really need to get and read this book. I suspect it will teach me more about myself, and it would be good to have a resource to recommend to people who don’t know anything about my brand of queer.
I still haven’t read this
You should read it soon! The audio is good, if that helps.
I’ve been working been hoarding Audible credits for a while, so I just got this for myself. Onto the January TBR it goes.
SAAAME
Thank you for sharing, Malin. This is brand new territory for my husband and myself so it’s lovely to read a first hand account of a couple that is happily making it work.
Since I’m being all honest and sharing, an important way my husband and I are still happily married (12. 5 years now, together for 20) is that he has an open relationship. His current girlfriend is lovely and has become a close friend, especially since she’s one of the few grown ups that I don’t work with in school who I’ve spent any time with since March (for obvious reasons, she’s part of our little corona pod). My son calls her auntie and adores her. She’s babysat him on occasion, so the husband and I could go on dates (during the late summer when infection rates were so low that was still possible). We all spent New year’s eve together.
However, this relationship is the result of years of trial and error. His last long-term relationship fell apart around the time I got pregnant, and while his girlfriend and I would occasionally meet at parties and were able to be perfectly civil with one another, it was nothing like the “feature article in the Guardian” lifestyle we currently have now.
Trying to explain my asexuality to a co-worker last year, I came up with a pretty decent analogy. Imagine that you have a really dear and precious friend who has a dish of food they love and want to cook and eat all the time. You will happily eat it with them occasionally, but it’s not something you’d ever miss when you’re not with your friend and it’s not really something you’d cook for yourself. I think it’s a good metaphor.
“feature article in the Guardian” made me spit my drink allover the keyboard! I am very happy that things are good for you and your family!
I laughed really hard at that also!
Malin, your openness and being willing to share is greatly appreciated.
“Doing away with compulsory sexuality also means doing away with hypersexualization and desexualization. Many voices are needed. No more being thought strange for not wanting sex, or people being shocked if you do”
I think this quote alone has piqued my interest. Damn!
The quote below is the one I wanted to use for my review but then when re-reading Narfna’s saw that she already used it. So I figured it would be best to pick a different quote!
“The goal of ace liberation is simply the goal of true sexual and romantic freedom for everyone. A society that is welcoming to aces can never be compatible with rape culture; with misogyny, racism, ableism, homophobia, and transphobia; with current hierarchies of romance and friendship; and with contractual notions of consent. It is a society that respects choice and highlights the pleasure that can be found everywhere in our lives. I believe that all this is possible.”
I love how this book has opened up the Ace world! I found my copy this morning, so I think that means this is the 2nd Next Book (I’ve already started my Next!) on the TBR list 🙂
Yay! Join the ‘Ace’ reading club 🙂
I really want to read this book. Thanks for a great review 🙂
You’re welcome!
I’m so grateful for this community. I’m not comfortable sharing this review on my social media the way I usually do, as this is all so new for me, but I knew there would be a supportive group here.
::VIRTUAL HUGS::
hooray for community, but also HOORAY FOR YOU!
Excellent review. I’m 33 and still questioning (ace? bi? demi? SSRI-inhibited? who knows!) but just the fact that there’s a context for this discussion is liberating.
This is a great review, and great comment section. Thanks for sharing and really grateful to read about you all’s experiences.