- Before conception
Hi there! So we gather you want to get pregnant. That’s just awesome. Isn’t life just awesome? Make sure you see your doctor first, though, and make sure you are up to date with all your vaccinations. You wouldn’t want to catch the Hanta virus, Dengue fever, Malaria, African Tripanosomiasis or any of the other rampant and extremely dangerous diseases that regularly occur on the North American mainland, now would you? Also, you should probably make an appointment with your dentist. Pregnancy will make all your teeth fall out, and your dentist won’t even look at your teeth when you’re knocked up. It has been statistically implied that visits to the dentist during pregnancy will kill you and your unborn child.
Oh, and lose some weight, fatso.
It’s a little hard for us to pretend you usually don’t need sex to get pregnant, but by Jove, we shall try!
- The first trimester
Congratulations! You are going to die pregnant! You are now a vessel of the utmost importance. Your body is a temple and deserves nothing but the best. NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME?!
First of all, you’re probably going to miscarry and die. If you don’t miscarry and die, it’s probably a molar pregnancy, which will also kill you, just in a very slow way.
TO DO: pick up your phone and make a panicked phonecall to your OBGYN in the middle of the night to ask about molar pregnancies.
So you didn’t miscarry and it wasn’t a molar pregnancy? Huh. How about that. Good for you. Let’s talk birth defects.
Prenatal screening makes you a horrible human being. What, you’re too good for a handicapped child?
What, no prenatal screening? You’re so selfish for wanting a handicapped child. Do you know the pressure it puts on society? Not to mention on your relationship. Your husband will probably leave you but hey, at least you’ll feel like a saint.
You’ll probably puke your guts out for a couple of weeks on end. Please remember to eat healthily while you do so.
- The second trimester
PUT DOWN THAT HAMBURGER, YOU DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING. You are poisoning your child. Eat a carrot and some oats instead. Don’t you feel better now? Why have cookies and pizza when you can have carrots and oats?
Pelvic pain is entirely normal and just means you’re going to die. Contact your OBGYN straightaway.
Whatever your weight gain, it’s probably too much or not enough.
TO DO: pick a fight with your partner about his maturity levels. Binge on something. Feel like crap about it. AS WELL YOU SHOULD BECAUSE HOW DARE YOU POISON YOUR CHILD YOU SELFISH BRAT I BET YOU’RE NOT EVEN MARRIED YOU WHORE.
TO DO: start buying crap you don’t need now. After all, you want to be ready for the baby to come early because absolutely nothing in your pregnancy will go the way it ought to. Trust us, we’re specialists.
- Third trimester
Time to give birth. You’ll probably die. Your child will also die. It’ll be the most magical experience of your life. Also, the last. Probably.
Want a C-section? You probably need one. Doesn’t mean you’re not a lazy shit, though.
Don’t want a C-section? Fine, but don’t even think about getting an epidural. Tough it out. Epidurals will cause you to die or, at the very least, paralise you. They will also kill your baby.
You should probably hire a doula. They don’t to jack, but it’s good for the economy.
- After birth
Congrats, you made it! Here are one hundred and one ways to kill your child that you will probably fall prey to.
We’re so glad you enjoyed our book. Please also buy the follow-up: What to expect when you’re expecting death: 101 more exciting ways in which your child will die after infancy.