“Three stars!?!” exclaimed Lord Tyrion. “I thought we had an agreement Maester Adam? Not much I can do for you now my friend.”
“Please let me explain my liege.” I stammered, sweat beading on my brow as I notice Sir Illyn enter the corner of the room, red-hot poker in hand. “It’s not that I didn’t like Maester Yandel’s work, I…I…I just thought it was…lacking.”
“Lacking? Do tell sir.” proclaimed Regent Cersie, perched high upon that most horrible of thrones.
Seated to her right the Kingslayer whispered. “Dear sister, must we really do this? Can one mans opinion truly defile this great work?”
“Agreed,” uttered Tyrion. “How can a man be guilty of sedition for giving us his opinion? Is three out of five really that bad anyways?”
“Quiet Imp or I’ll have Sir Illyn scar whats left of your monstrous face! This is to be the greatest work commissioned by King Tommen and I will not have a Midwest born Maester pollute our fair city with his treacherous review!”
“I will not be party to this!” protested Tyrion, walking down the steps with a sorry frown on his face. Embracing me with a gentle touch he murmurs into my ear, “I am truly sorry Maester, may the Seven be with you.”
My bent knee begins to buckle as Lord Tyrion exits the vast Throne Room of The Great Red Keep. With each click-clack of his dwindling steps I start to realize and accept my fate.
Alone now with Cersei, Jamie and the mute Sir Illyn I hear the great Knight ask, “Can you please explain you thoughts to us Maester and then the Queen will make her decision?”
“As you wish my Lord,” I stammer through sweat drenched lips. “First, let me say that the artists works are absolutely astounding. To see the history of our Seven Kingdoms so alive and vivid with color is truly an achievement of the highest order. Five out of five stars to our esteemed painters! As for the prose, I have much criticism. As a history of our fair Kingdom I have no complaints. Reading about Garth Greenhands, Bran the Builder, and of course your progenitor Lann the Clever was most spectacular. As was the history of the rest of the Kingdom. Yet, although reading about our former Targaryen rulers was a joy at first, I found that section to be more and more of a bore as I proceeded. And when we finally arrived to the history of the terrible, Mad King and our beloved Roberts (may the Stranger forever watch over him) great rebellion, the history ended. I suspect this is so Maester Martin may expound upon these topics in his future works but none the less I was left wanting more. But, to me, the greatest sin was the short changing of the honorable Nights Watch and the many strange tales beyond the wall. I feel as though Maester Yandel ignored much of the history of those most noble of men and their wretched stories. Now, I understand this was a grand undertaking. One that I myself would never attempt. And as previously stated I am most positive the great Maester Martin will cover these stories in much greater detail in future works. But as presented I must again affirm that I found the work most lacking in substance. Yet, is it so wrong to have a contrarian opinion? Surely a middling review from a low born Maester of the Library will not incite the masses to anarchy!”
“Spectacular review fine sir!” announced Jamie. “I see no reason to punish this man.”
A glimmer of hope enters my whirling brain. Maybe I’ll yet make it out of this with my head attached to my shoulders. Gods bless you Kingslayer!
“Enough!” declared Cersei. “I have heard what I need. You want more tales of snarks, grumpkins and the like? To read more about the drain on our coffers that is The Nights Watch? To learn more of the history of the Mad King!?! This is treason at its most vile! Sir Illyn…bring me his eyes!”
“Sister, you cannot!” I hear, as my heart sinks into my gut. This can’t be happening. How can I read without my eyes!?! I hear the heavy clobber of Sir Illyn walking toward my backside as I scream out, “Mercy your Grace! Mercy! Oh, mother help me. Mother! Seven help me! Please, your Grace you can not relegate me to a life of audiobooks! I can not bear the existence. Please, grant me mercy!?!”
Fade to black as Sir Illyn plants his steel toed boot to the back of my head.
There you have it, fanfic at its worst. This is my first ever CBR review so I thought I’d try something different. May the Seven bless you!