by Sondra Marshak and Myrna Culbreath
“She was possibly a gorgeous female. He was not certain of what species. She was humanoid, certainly. She even looked, for all practical purposes, Human. But there was a hint of something almost feral about the tawny eyes. The matching tawny mane seemed to grow to some natural length and shape which she merely shook back. She wore soft boots and a coppery bodysuit which looked as if it were poured out of the living metal, cut in lines of elegant simplicity which suggested she was indifferent to fashion, but not to design. But more than that, there was some aura about her…like no woman he had ever seen, of any species.”
The next step in the evolution of Man is “Oneness.” Oneness is a telepathic group consciousness. There are two Onenesses in the galaxy: the Oneness and the Totality. The Totality is recruiting members by force. Star fleet sends Enterprise, with the legendary rapport of its crew, and Free Agent of the Federation Sola Than to investigate. Kirk and Spock both fall in love with that Free Agent, a Mary Sue if ever there was one. Also, it’s that time of the Pon Farr for Spock, so he’s really Vulcan-y. There’s more, but there’s also oh, so much less.
The three are kidnapped to a jungle planet where Soljenov, who is the essence of maleness and also in love with Sola, forces Sola to choose to save either Kirk or Spock in order to save the galaxy from the Oneness or the Totality. Or both. Who knows? Who cares?
Remember in Marshak and Culbreath’s last book how Humanity was lab rats? This time they’re amoebas. The authors take for-fucking-ever to actually say anything, and then it’s really just endless, breathless rehashing of what they already said. These two ladies grab ahold of an idea, squeeze it, and don’t let it go until it’s bloody and screaming for mercy. Which is just how they like it. Hey-o!
Random Thoughts Written Down as I Read:
Spock reads Kirk like Braille.
Kirk has ten minutes before he heads out on a landing party, so naturally he decides to take a swim. Alone. When the inevitable cramps hit, he is saved by the naked ambassador. Kirk tells the naked ambassador that he owes him his life, but cannot give it because it is promised to another—the Vulcan.
Even though they have never met before, Kirk and Spock fall instantly, madly, passionately in love with Sola Thane. And it’s not just lust; McCoy knows better.
Kirk is delicate. Spock is strong.
Sola Than knows Vulcans can only have sex every seven years. And they only feel affection then. I need to ask you ‘only-every-7-years’ and ‘Vulcans-can’t-love’ people: What of Sarek and Amanda, Spock’s parents, who seem to have a loving relationship? What biological sense does it make for a species to mate ONLY once every seven years and not have litters of offspring? Also, I thought Pon Farr was a secret, and Spock was ashamed to speak of it. Sola knows about it, and Spock speaks openly about it.
Ahem. Anyway. Sola knows Kirk and Spock are in love with her. Kirk knows Spock is in love with her. Spock knows Kirk is in love with her. They have all known one another approximately one hour. They don’t know that we know they know we know.
All this love triggers Spock’s Pon Farr, basically sentencing him to death, since going solo is not an option and Vulcan Pon Farr sex would likely kill a human woman. (So high-5 Amanda?) But Sola is not human, so…
But Spock won’t Pon Farr with her because they both love Kirk. But they also love each other! So finally after much angsting and debating over who loves Kirk more and who Kirk loves more and who will sacrifice the most for who and blah blah fucking blah, Hot Vulcan Pon Farr Sex!
WTF is the Totality? Come ON, Marshak & Culbreath, let’s pretend the rest of the world isn’t present for your circle jerks and give us some effing background on the ‘danger’!
Sola goes directly from Pon Farring Spock to snogging Kirk. But Kirk realizes this and feels angry and betrayed. He tells her to go to Spock. Now SHE feels angry and betrayed.
I will give you up for Spock. No, I will give YOU up for Spock. No I will give YOU up for Spock. NO I…But I want you. But I want YOU. But I want YOU. But duty and love say we must do this and so we part with a kiss. But I can’t go. No I can’t go. But you must go. No you MUST go. No YOU must go. I must go puke.
OMG—it’s all another trial! And Kirk is Job! And Sola’s former lover Soljenov, who is the essence of maleness, is Satan!
Seriously WTF is the Totality? And the Oneness? Fuck.
Enterprise is apparently in grave danger of being taken over by the Oneness or the Totality, whatever the fuck they are, and here we are, running around like lovesick teenagers.
They must bargain with the devil. They are amoebas.
Amoeba. Amoeba. Ameba. Amebas. Amoebas. Amoebae? Amoeba.
The authors need to learn how to use the word ‘certain.’ And ‘merely.’ And how to properly uses dashes. Merely, merely, merely, merely, life is but a—nightmare!
They are attacked by manlings. What the eff is a manling?
Certain, certain, certain, certain. I’m certain I would get Pon Farr level satisfaction from punching the authors in their certainty.
Sing with me: Sola, Sola, Sola of the Jungle! Sola has a psionic cry that frightens away predators.
The enemy stronghold is in a volcano. I wonder if there are sharks with lasers on their foreheads? Of course, there is a main control switch.
I will go alone from here to my probable death! No, I will! No, I will! We shall go together.
A polyamorous relationship is not considered acceptable. How forward-thinking of them.
Now we move on to the ‘eyes’ portion of our program: “She let her eyes acknowledge his meaning.” “Her green-gold eyes looked older than her hair.” “The older Zaran’s eyes conceded nothing.” “His eyes took up the challenge.”
One yields by yielding. Direct pain is merely pain.
Sola has a TOTAL. COSMIC. ORGASM. And neither Spock nor Kirk are anywhere near her. She is being subjected psionically to direct pleasure by Soljenov. Direct pleasure. Direct. Pleasure.
The authors must have realized their over-reliance on ‘certain.’ They are now using ‘some.’ Some. Some. Some. Some. Some. Some. If you say it enough times, you stop being a Trekkie and turn to Star Wars for comfort.
Sola, in dire distress from having to choose between Kirk and Spock, mentally relives all their moments together…at this point, they have all known each other less than 48 hours.
They are all in the volcano, with the lava rising just inches below them, and no one is overcome by the heat? Wait. Why am I trying to find logic in this mess?
A butterfly can learn a lesson from an amoeba. My brain is being eaten by amoebas.
Sola says if Soljenov will save Spock and Kirk, she will go away with him. So he does and she does and we all fly off into the sunset to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER read another word written by Marshak & Culbreath again. Ever.
WTF:
“Suppose they were holding him on a long line, just waiting to pull the strings?”
