Rather than attempting to review Fifty Shades of Grey, I present my live read of the book. Herein you’ll find lots of cussing, lots of shouting, and definitely not safe for work descriptions of plenty of things. And it’s very long, because it turns out I had a lot to say while I was reading.
A drinking game evolved during the reading, and the whole thing has been compiled at the end, if that’s the sort of thing you’re interested in.
My library was able to supply me with copies of the entire 50 Shades trilogy. I’m one page in and it’s as terrible as everyone said.
What’s really got me stuck, though, is “Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.” That’s at least one, maybe two words too many, isn’t it?
“Damn her extracurricular activities.” –Actual quote.
Also? Ana is the worst friend.
March 3 at 8:18pm
Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me.
This reminds me of how I wrote in high school, when I firmly believed that more adjectives were always better.
March 3 at 8:21pm
Of course he has long fingers. You can’t be the love interest if you don’t have long fingers.
March 3 at 8:28pm
She’s supposed to be interviewing this guy who is very young and extremely successful and she’s all about calling him an arrogant control freak.
Dude just said he employs 40,000 people. Maybe stop being outraged that he doesn’t have enough humility and listen for a while.
March 3 at 8:54pm
Oh, he’s so hot I can’t stand him. But within five minutes of meeting him (after I literally fell into his office and he helped me up and was very kind about making sure I was all right), I’ve deemed him arrogant and a control freak and I’m going to go out of my way to insult him over and over again.
Because that makes for tension, I guess?
March 3 at 8:57pm
The Fear Street books were way better than this.
March 3 at 9:11pm
I bet if you trimmed out every unnecessary adjective, replaced most of the ‘murmur’s and repetitive things about Christian’s mouth, and maybe made Ana less of a miserable bitch, this would be about 1/3 as long as it is so far.
March 3 at 9:15pm
I’ve managed to stop myself taking a red pen to my Kindle, too.
But when this is done, I’m clearly going to have to delete it, then get some smudge sticks or something.
March 3 at 9:59pm
Sage for purification.
March 3 at 10:00pm
We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton and John and Patrick–the two other part-timers–and I are besieged by customers.
But I repeat myself.
March 3 at 10:22pm
I don’t think EL James know what the words murmur or mutter mean.
But they’re her favorite anyway.
March 3 at 10:25pm
Also, she heard one of those jokes about how you can tell whether you’re reading erotica or porn based on how often you hear about someone’s hands, so she made SUPER SURE everyone would know it was erotica by talking about how long-fingered and manicured Christian’s hands are at every possible opportunity.
March 3 at 10:26pm
Also, masking tape is not naughty. That stuff is adhesive paper. It tears if you look at it sideways and doesn’t adhere firmly to anything.
It makes clean lines when you paint, then it comes off neatly, and you don’t need scissors to cut it. It is not useful for bedroom stuff where there are so many better products out there.
March 3 at 10:30pm
If you made a drinking game of this and took a shot every time someone murmurs or mutters, you couldn’t even safely play the game with water.
March 3 at 10:31pm
$43 for five feet of rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties.
I assume most of that’s the coveralls, so that was one hell of an upsell.
March 3 at 10:45pm
I can’t believe I’m feeling so antagonistic toward him.
Um…the first thing you did was call him a control freak. And arrogant. And materialistic. I’d say ‘antagonistic’ is the norm.
March 3 at 11:29pm
Really, so far, other than the DESPERATE need for some editing, there’s nothing offensive about it except how boring it is.
March 4 at 8:53am
Also, I was a virgin until I was 24 or 25 or something. And I don’t think I was ever as innocent as Ana.
Not having sex does not equal living outside of our ridiculously sex obsessed society.
March 4 at 9:05am
So, you know what’s a big red flag with a guy? (Besides outright telling you he’s not the guy for you and rejecting you and acting all possessive and shit after you’ve met only once and stalking you and putting a trace on your phone, I mean.)
Showing up while you’re super drunk for the first time and trying to leave with you without letting you tell your friends first.
You are going to end up in a ditch beside the highway.
March 4 at 4:01pm
No inner goddess appearances yet, but her subconscious it tutting and has half-moon specs.
I wish they had hired someone to direct the movie who was just willing to embrace the ridiculous. The inner goddess and subconscious could have made appearances like shoulder angel and shoulder devil.
March 4 at 4:06pm
Take a shot whenever the word murmur, mutter, whisper, or control freak gets used.
But only if you don’t value your life.
March 4 at 4:27pm
Christian is being a real bitch about Ana getting drunk to celebrate graduating from college.
If there were ever an acceptable time to over do it, it’s then. I mean, come on.
March 4 at 4:37pm
And he’s threatening to spank her.
Boundaries, dude.
March 4 at 4:37pm
Her subconscious has a bright red hula skirt now.
We were collectively robbed when the decision was made to leave the subconscious and inner goddess out of the movie.
March 4 at 4:38pm
I’m trying so hard to actually hear the dialog as described and none of it makes any damned sense.
March 4 at 4:39pm
You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you, Ana. You do the math.
Dear Ana, no matter what your subconscious says, you were not sleeping. You were so drunk you passed out and he didn’t rape you. That should not be some sort of strike against whether or not he’s attracted to you.
March 4 at 4:48pm
Also for the drinking game: any mention of Christian’s mouth or his long-fingered hands.
March 4 at 4:52pm
[I didn’t want to include any comments from my friends, because I wasn’t planning on posting publicly when I started it. But someone suggested adding ‘holy’ to the drinking game, and she was right.]
I was going to say something snide about the clothes and underwear Christian bought for her all fitting perfectly, but he undressed her while she was unconscious. It’s not like he couldn’t have checked the tags.
March 4 at 4:54pm
And I’m pretty sure if you played that drinking game with water, you’d still end up in the hospital.
March 4 at 4:54pm
The word ‘opulent’ (which I suspect James couldn’t define with a gun to her head) has officially been used more times than allowed her novel.
And I’m only 4% of the way in.
March 4 at 4:56pm
So, one night stands require a week in break up pajamas? I don’t think her roommate is doing casual sex right.
March 4 at 4:58pm
He’s scolding her for not drying her hair.
He sounds like my grandma.
March 4 at 5:00pm
I love that Anastasia knows Christian’s not gay and not a girlfriend kind of guy, so she assumes that means he’s celibate.
That’s not innocence. That’s willful stupidity.
March 4 at 5:02pm
Also, calling wealthy billionaire playboy (who was adopted) a dark knight has to be a Batman reference. It has to.
March 4 at 5:03pm
I smirk.
‘Are you smirking at me, Miss Steele?’
*facepalm*
March 4 at 5:05pm
Jeez, I’m a quivering, mess, and he hasn’t even touched me.
That is no excuse for a fresh English grad to not know how to use commas.
March 4 at 5:07pm
I hate the whole ‘I can’t tell you right now’ song and dance. It’s not mysterious. It’s annoying.
March 4 at 5:08pm
Does he white-slave small children to some godforsaken part of the planet?
There is something about that sentence that pushes so many of my buttons.
Probably largely that Ana (and James) clearly have no idea what that means or why it makes no sense.
March 4 at 5:10pm
‘Eat,’ he says more sharply. ‘Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food…eat.’
Dude ordered one of every single thing on the menu when he didn’t know what she’d want for breakfast, but her not licking her plate clean is wasteful.
My ass.
March 4 at 5:27pm
She’s a 21-year-old who can’t say the word ‘sex’ without blushing.
That’s not endearing. That’s ridiculous.
March 4 at 6:34pm
She also gets a naughty thrill out of using his toothbrush.
Girl needs to get out more.
March 4 at 6:36pm
Also, deep joy because there’s a hair tie in her bag.
That’s, like, criminally boring.
March 4 at 6:36pm
I head out the door recalling his words–There’s something about you–well, the feeling is entirely mutual, Mr. Grey, and I aim to find out what his secret is.
That is such a poorly constructed sentence that I don’t even know where to start.
March 4 at 6:39pm
Just because you’re not sexually awakened or whatever doesn’t mean that you can’t have some damned hobbies.
March 4 at 6:40pm
‘Oh, fuck the paperwork,’ he growls.
That’s it, Christian. Talk dirty to me.
March 4 at 6:41pm
The elevator scene could potentially be kind of hot…with a better writer and more interesting characters.
Like, I see the seeds of something good buried under all the bad.
March 4 at 6:43pm
Ah, the inner goddess finally appears.
That whole concept is so batshit, but I kind of love it.
March 4 at 6:48pm
Also, Christian mentions that she’s brushed her teeth. So he was going in there, post-drunken vomiting swamp mouth and all.
Which, I mean…I kind of think kissing is gross in general, but seriously. Ew.
March 4 at 6:50pm
I am genuinely surprised that she got ‘no holds barred’ right.
March 4 at 6:51pm
Side note: do your lips swell from kissing, or is that a sign that someone ate something they shouldn’t have and now you need an epi pen?
March 4 at 6:52pm
People who refuse to use your preferred name piss me off. It’s a petty, bullshit power play.
March 4 at 6:56pm
Kate is an awesome friend. Ana does not deserve her.
March 4 at 7:01pm
We’re in a built-up area of the city, and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land.
EL James has never seen helicopter rides at a county fair, or passed a hospital that uses one, or seen a movie or TV show that included one.
March 4 at 7:08pm
And there it is, a white helicopter with the name GREY ENTERPRISES HOLDING, INC. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is misuse of company property.
Ana is worried about literally all the wrong things.
March 4 at 7:11pm
Christian is so into buckling Ana into the helicopter seat. I know it’s supposed to be a hint that he’s into bondage and stuff, but really, with the way he keeps scolding her like a grandmother, I’d really expect that he has an adult-sized nursery or something instead.
March 4 at 7:14pm
Symphony is all, “Mom, there are things here that deserve your attention more than this crap.”
March 4 at 7:24pm
‘If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement,’ I whisper, gazing at him.
Oh, Ana. 1) There are always more choices, and 2) never pick debasement.
March 4 at 7:36pm
The non-disclosure thing is just so much bullshit. And needing more paperwork before sex? Also bullshit.
And Ana signing shit without reading it? So, so stupid. And not understanding what ‘play room’ means in the context of their conversation? Again, not innocent. Willfully stupid.
March 4 at 7:41pm
Mind you, I’ve read reviews and recaps and think pieces and all kinds of stuff. I knew about all this stuff before, but the execution is still so clumsy it’s stunning.
March 4 at 7:41pm
There is no bedding…just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end.
That sounds uncomfortable and sticky even without working in body fluids other than sweat. Ew.
March 4 at 7:49pm
‘If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?’
‘Because I want to do this with you, very much.’
‘Oh,’ I gasp. Why?
Yes, what a shocking revelation that a man would show you his kinky sex room after flying you by helicopter across the state because he wants to have kinky sex with you.
No one could possibly have seen that coming.
March 4 at 7:53pm
Me while Christian describes D/s sex:
March 4 at 7:59pm
March 4 at 8:04pm
March 4 at 8:04pm
That’s really more appropriate for an established relationship that’s getting serious, though, not right out the gate.
March 4 at 8:10pm
Christian getting angry because Ana didn’t tell him she’s a virgin sooner is so dumb.
However, someone once dumped me because ‘she couldn’t handle the responsibility.’ I told her she was making some pretty big assumptions, then we never spoke again.
March 4 at 8:12pm
She’s completely skipping the part where this guy is angry that she’s a virgin to be all flattered that he called her beautiful.
Again, Ana is concerned with all the wrong things.
March 4 at 8:13pm
I’ve read, numerous times, about Christian’s oh-so-sexy ‘we’re going to rectify the situation’ bit regarding her virginity.
But it is so much worse in context. This is after he’s gotten super pissed about her being a virgin, and she’s upset and flustered because he called her pretty, and then he’s all, “We’re gonna do this right now.”
Way to set the mood. Asshole.
March 4 at 8:19pm
And he just called having sex with her ‘a means to an end.’ So sexy.
March 4 at 8:21pm
The enormous bed is ultramodern, made of rough, gray wood like driftwood, four posts but no canopy.
And we can see why Ana didn’t major in interior design.
March 4 at 8:23pm
I get that some people are into that, and it’s fine and all, but licking someone’s foot straight out of the shoes and socks they’ve been wearing all day is just so gross.
March 4 at 8:29pm
Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.
If this is genuinely wank material for people, than this is probably all the proof I need that I’m borderline asexual. This is not hot.
March 4 at 8:30pm
It is a requirement, in all erotica, that a virgin looking at a penis be overwhelmed and afraid it won’t fit.
March 4 at 8:34pm
‘I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,’ he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. ‘Hard,’ he whispers, and he slams into me.
That’s…really not very considerate.
March 4 at 8:36pm
Two orgasms…coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.
So we’re getting to the sexy talk now.
March 4 at 9:02pm
He keeps calling her ‘baby’ while they’re having sex.
I think I was right about the adult nursery thing. Christian settled on the wrong kink.
March 4 at 9:14pm
And of course he’s up before dawn playing sad songs on the piano.
March 4 at 9:14pm
…She put her hair in pigtails because maybe if she looks girly enough, she’ll be safe from Christian. Who she’s referring to as Bluebeard.
This is not a sign that you should stick around.
March 4 at 9:37pm
And he specifically says her pigtails won’t protect her.
The fact that he either knows she’s thinking that way or assumes she should be is the creepiest thing that has happened so far.
March 4 at 9:40pm
‘You cooked, I’ll clear.’
‘That’s very democratic.’
I…what?
March 4 at 9:46pm
I’d say something snarky about Kate’s thing about waiting for the day Ana’d lose her virginity, but I remember my college friends.
Although I’d think Ana would be a little less innocent if her friends threw parties with orgy rooms the way mine did.
College was a weird time.
March 4 at 9:48pm
‘I’ve never had vanilla sex before.’
Yup, he settled on the wrong kink.
Also? That sounds exhausting.
(I may find most things exhausting.)
March 4 at 9:50pm
Ana’s subconscious is a bitch (I guess that’s where she gets it).
I mean, she isn’t always wrong or anything, but still.
March 4 at 10:07pm
His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips.
That much money and he’s got such a shallow bath.
March 4 at 10:10pm
She’s giving him a blowjob in a bubble bath.
No way that doesn’t taste like soap.
March 4 at 10:12pm
He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle.
So…soap?
March 4 at 10:13pm
My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.
We really were robbed.
March 4 at 10:14pm
‘You know, you never cease to amaze me.’
You’ve known each other for a week. And you had no contact for like five days of that.
March 4 at 10:15pm
He got super pissed that she was a virgin, now he’s all pleased she’d never given anyone else a blowjob.
Dude needs to make up his mind.
March 4 at 10:16pm
Also, I know the tie is iconic or something, but doesn’t he have a fully stocked play room?
March 4 at 10:18pm
‘I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing.’
To meet his mother.
In an entire sea of things that are no ok, that’s really not ok.
March 4 at 10:36pm
“I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop…”
I know we’ve already brought up the computer thing, but this is seriously so stupid.
Also, she apparently does have access to Kate’s laptop, which…I mean, that’s a computer, right?
March 4 at 10:42pm
Also, it’s been brought up in a lot of places, but getting pissed off at Ana because someone called her is just so deeply fucked up.
Even if there hadn’t been any red flags before (and there were), that one should be blinking RUN, GIRL right in her face.
March 4 at 10:44pm
And you know, Christian’s the one with the contract, and Ana hasn’t read or signed it yet. So technically, he could drop her off and she could contact the sports team of her choice at her university and go through all of them to find out how she feels about settling down with one guy, then sign it afterward, and she wouldn’t be in violation of anything.
So maybe he should chill about phone calls she didn’t even initiate.
March 4 at 11:00pm
He’s also pissed that the newly deflowered virgin wants to talk to her best friend and roommate about sex. And he wants her to sign the contract so she can stop defying him.
I get where some of the appeal is here, with this super handsome, super wealthy guy picking out the innocent girl with the low self esteem and making her feel really special. And that would be so great if it weren’t so obviously in this case nothing more than grooming a victim.
March 4 at 11:04pm
Also, add ‘whoa’ to the drinking game.
March 4 at 11:05pm
And ‘oh my.’
March 4 at 11:05pm
And Christian and food.
March 4 at 11:06pm
No one could survive this drinking game.
March 4 at 11:07pm
They arrive at a restaurant and not only does Christian order wine for both of them, when Ana says she’d rather have a Diet Coke, he tells her to suck it and drink wine.
Fuck that guy.
March 4 at 11:34pm
Of the adult, probably the age of his mother, woman who started sexually abusing him as at 15:
‘She was all I wanted, needed. And besides, she’d have beaten the shit out of me.’ He smiles fondly at the memory.
1) None of that is ok.
2) None of that is a reason to have never, ever had vanilla sex.
3) None of that is a reason to become an abuser himself.
March 4 at 11:37pm
My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long, skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much.
The more I read, the more disappointed I am they were left out of the movie.
March 4 at 11:43pm
The contract itself is weird and stupid and contradictory, and no matter who you are, this should be an immediate deal breaker:
The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2 – 5 and 8 above.
March 4 at 11:54pm
The Dominant may flog, spank, whip, or corporally punish the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.
See, that seems deeply problematic. The first two are ok if you’re properly playing by the rules, but the last one is a wicked combination of physical and emotional abuse excused as kinky sex, and that’s not cool.
March 4 at 11:59pm
Also, this contract specifies that the sub has to use oral contraception to prevent pregnancy. So…no shots, no implants, no IUD? She doesn’t get to pick, and if oral contraceptives don’t work for her, she’s got to suck it up or what?
March 5 at 12:03am
The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do so without hesitation or argument.
Just because you put that in your contract doesn’t mean it can’t be rape.
March 5 at 12:04am
I mean, I know there are safewords and stuff, but would you really trust someone who came up with this bullshit contract to respect safewords?
March 5 at 12:06am
Also, there’s an appendix of rules for the submissive, but none for the dominant, which is also bullshit.
March 5 at 12:10am
From her inner goddess:
Please, let’s do this…otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.
Yup, those are the only choices in the entire world: Christian Grey and his bullshit contract or spinsterhood with lots of cats. No in between. No other men or opportunities.
It’s not like she’s only 21, getting ready to move to a new city, and has several other men who are into her, indicating that even if she doesn’t want them, there will likely be others in the future.
Nope. Christian Grey or cats.
March 5 at 12:13am
Also, she’s accusing Kate of bullying her.
She does not deserve Kate.
March 5 at 12:14am
There’s a large box and delivery guy for Ana. Turns out it’s a MacBook Pro.
At around the same time as this story takes place, I bought a MacBook Pro. It wasn’t the same one that Ana gets because that computer does not exist, but still. It came with a printer. Wimpy, whiny, weak me carried both of them through the mall to where I’d parked (on the wrong side considering I only wanted one store because I’m bad at malling).
That was not a large box.
Also, you set it up by plugging it in and turning it on, but I can’t blame Christian for assuming Ana couldn’t do that by herself.
March 5 at 10:54am
Also, the conversation so far has made it pretty clear that Ana was not expecting any kind of computer and that she didn’t pick it out or know anything about it, so the delivery guy should lay off being all shocked that she only wants to email on it.
Although the guy at the Apple Store was super pissy when he found out I mostly planned to internet and write on mine. Just shut up and take my money already.
March 5 at 10:55am
Talking about email to a college student who is graduating in a week is like white noise to her.
I refuse to believe Ana’s grades were as great as Kate hinted.
March 5 at 10:56am
I hate both of these people so much.
I’m starting to think they deserve each other.
March 5 at 11:04am
Reproducing all their emails is so excruciating.
Also, it’s 2011 in this story. Haven’t they heard of any kind of messenger?
March 5 at 11:06am
He sent her to Wikipedia.
And got snippy about how she needed to not email him unless she had questions, even though her last email WAS a question.
March 5 at 11:07am
I’m pretty sure I knew about BDSM all the way back in high school. I honestly have no idea if that’s a normal experience or not.
I did once yell at a guy in college who said he didn’t know what ‘sadistic’ meant. I defined it and told him to not pretend like he didn’t go home every day and look at porn.
So.
March 5 at 11:10am
Also, if your sneakers are never-used, how are they nasty?
March 5 at 11:10am
I hate the whole post-traumatic [sexual preference] trope. Like, she’s a lesbian because she was raped. He’s into kinky sex because he was molested. It’s a disservice to people who’ve been in some way traumatized and to people who identify as anything not straight and vanilla. And most especially the people who were somehow traumatized and who are also gay, kinky, trans, whatever.
March 5 at 11:14am
Also, EL James doesn’t know what ‘cathartic’ means.
March 5 at 11:14am
(Also, I once saw a painting of a twisted, mutilated woman’s torso. It was titled ‘Catharsis.’ I was like…if there’s a woman dating this man, she’d better run.)
March 5 at 11:15am
Ana still doesn’t deserve Kate. What a bitch.
March 5 at 11:16am
Also, deciding you want to go over a contract and discuss what’s ok and what’s not, then sending an email that says, “It was nice knowing you,” is not a joke.
I mean, it’s a good idea. But it’s not a joke or a prank or whatever.
March 5 at 11:18am
Also, not replying to that email, but showing up at your door all pissed?
Boundary issues much?
This is why that email should not have been a joke.
March 5 at 11:19am
Also, straight into your bedroom without an invitation from you is pretty intrusive, no matter who you are or why.
March 5 at 11:20am
Also, she’s looking for an escape route. From her own bedroom. Because he’s there.
That and the self-defensive infantilization with pig tails should be all she needs to know about whether or not she should sign that contract.
March 5 at 11:22am
Take a shot whenever Ana bites her lip. Two when Christian bitches about it.
But kiss your liver goodbye first.
March 5 at 11:23am
Another shot whenever someone gasps.
This drinking game is suicidal.
March 5 at 11:24am
‘Are you biting your lower lip deliberately?’ he asks darkly.
I blink at him, gasping, freeing my lip.
‘I wasn’t aware I was biting my lip,” I murmur softly.
That’s four shots in three paragraphs. Even slow readers would die of alcohol poisoning.
March 5 at 11:27am
His fingers circle my ear, and very softly, rhythmically, he tugs my earlobe. It’s so sexual.
I honestly never got the touching/tugging/kissing/sucking on earlobes thing. It’s fine if you’re into it, so I guess I’m not actually criticizing here, just bewildered as usual.
Also, my dog loves to greet me by sucking on my earlobe, so even if it ever were sexy to me, that would have eliminated those feelings right quick.
March 5 at 11:30am
I would watch the hell out of the movie if they’d included the subconscious and inner goddess.
March 5 at 11:31am
‘I didn’t think you were familiar with the Bible.’
He lives in America, Ana. He’s familiar with the Bible.
March 5 at 11:32am
‘Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me.’
That is a creepy thing to say. Seriously.
March 5 at 11:34am
‘What do you say to that, Miss Steele?’
I’m not sure I believe he’d get up and leave if she told him to. Like, something is happening in this bed. It’s either going to be sex or rape, and Christian would end up sounding like that guy in India. “Can’t have been my fault. She kept biting her lip. She’s fully responsible. Besides, what did she think she was doing, sitting by herself in her own bedroom?”
March 5 at 11:37am
This scene would be kind of hot if the characters weren’t awful, but then I got to this:
‘No,’ I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops.
‘If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet, too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.’
THAT IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO SOMEONE SAYING ‘NO’ AND TRYING TO KICK YOU OFF OF HER.
March 5 at 11:41am
And it works. Even though she wasn’t even wanting to stop sexy times, she just didn’t want him taking her shoes off because she’d just been running and she thought her feet would be gross.
If he’d just asked what was wrong, this could have continued just fine. But no.
March 5 at 11:43am
He’s spitting wine in her mouth and it’s extra delicious because it’s been in his mouth.
I guess she did use his toothbrush before they’d had sex.
Still, gross. All I can do is picture that horrible Mentos commercial.
March 5 at 11:46am
The original commercial, which I can’t find, included this absolutely horrid glugging sound. This is how I’m picturing this sex scene:
March 5 at 11:50am
Also:
‘Is this nice?’ he asks, but I hear the edge in his voice.
Not ok.
March 5 at 11:51am
He pops a fragment of ice in my navel in a pool of cool, cold wine.
1) You need either the word ‘cool’ or the word ‘cold.’ Pick one.
2) This is how a guy gets a knee to the jaw.
3) I hope she hasn’t packed her spare sheets yet.
March 5 at 11:52am
I long to touch him.
‘I want to touch you,’ I breathe.
Really?
I’m going to die poor and no one will ever buy my books because this is what they want.
March 5 at 11:59am
He keeps doing things and asking if it’s nice. He’s essentially revenge-fucking her for leaving him, only she’s into it, so it’s supposed to be ok. I can’t help but feel like if she hadn’t been into it, the dialog and his actions would all be the same, she’d just be gagged right now.
March 5 at 12:03pm
And Kate is in the other room for all this.
March 5 at 12:04pm
‘How nice was that?’ he asks through his gritted teeth.
None of this is ok.
March 5 at 12:04pm
He’s smirking at her. This is not an appropriate time for smirking.
March 5 at 12:05pm
‘Oh–I don’t know…it seems to have a very beneficial effect on you.’
‘I’m a beneficial effect, now am I? Could you wound my ego any further, Miss Steele?’
You called taking her virginity ‘a means to an end,’ you asshole.
March 5 at 12:07pm
(Also, I skipped this, but I’m adding it now: she was upset by the definition of vanilla sex and thought their sex was brownie fudge with a cherry on top or something like that, and I thought, “Well, you got the cherry on top part right.” Then I laughed. And felt bad about myself.)
March 5 at 12:08pm
‘I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all.’
So you showed up in her bedroom, tied her to the bed, threatened to tie her legs and gag her when she said no, and then fucked her. That is so, so not ok.
March 5 at 12:10pm
She’s jealous that he’s still in contact with the woman who started molesting him when he was a teenager.
You shouldn’t be jealous. You should be worried, though.
March 5 at 12:11pm
She’s upset. He’s forbidden her to speak to anyone about their relationship–and by extension, about sex at all. He’s still in contact with his molester, and she’s upset he has someone he can talk to, so he offers to put in contact with one of his old subs, which is kind of fucked up anyway. And he won’t stay with her and he won’t let her touch him. So there’s no post-coital cuddling and he’s not sleeping with her ever, but he’s upset that she’s kicking him out.
What did he want to do?
March 5 at 12:15pm
Also:
‘God, I’d like to give you a good hiding. You’d feel a lot better, and so would I.’
That is not an acceptable context for talking about sexy beatings, because that’s not a sexy beating. It’s just a beating. There’s a difference. It’s important.
March 5 at 12:16pm
This is the first time I have ever had sex in my home, and as sex goes, I think it was pretty damn fine. But now I feel like a receptacle–an empty vessel to be filled at his whim.
That is a sign to get out now, because it wasn’t pretty damn fine. It was abusive and creepy at best.
March 5 at 12:18pm
I know that if I do this thing with him, I will get hurt. He’s not capable, interested, or willing to offer me more…and I want more. Much more.
Once again, your choices are not limited to Christian Grey or spinsterhood with cats.
March 5 at 12:21pm
Even if those were the only choices, like [redacted] said, spinsterhood is the better choice.
March 5 at 12:23pm
Kate is an awesome friend.
March 5 at 12:25pm
This whole conversation, with Ana crying over Christian and Kate brushing her hair and being horrified by how he’s treated her is just so sad. She even straight out says he’s using sex as a weapon.
There are pieces of a really good story in here. But it shouldn’t be a love story, at least not with Christian Grey as the hero.
March 5 at 12:38pm
I ask her about Elliot. Katherine’s whole demeanor changes at the mere mention of his name. She lights up from within, beaming at me.
‘He’s coming over early Saturday to help load up.’ She hugs the hairbrush–boy, has she got it bad–and I feel a familiar faint stab of envy. Kate has found herself a normal man, and she looks so happy.
So find yourself a normal man, Ana.
March 5 at 12:40pm
Her issues with the contract so far are pretty sane. And I like that she’s actually saying something about all of it.
I’m pretty sure I’ll be pissed off over it soon enough.
Also:
Food–I am not eating food from a prescribed list. The food list goes or I do–deal breaker.
Good.
March 5 at 12:44pm
She also noticed that he didn’t amend the contract with the one part they had talked about. I mean, I guess they didn’t have a lot of time apart, but changing ‘four’ to ‘three’ wouldn’t take a long time, either.
March 5 at 12:47pm
It took a single page for me to get pissed again. His response to her issues with the contract?
Miss Steele,
That’s a long list. Why are you still up?
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO GAVE HER A TEN PAGE CONTRACT, YOU ASS.
March 5 at 12:52pm
How can he intimidate me when he’s six miles away?
Because he’s a horrible person and you know it. Throw away his contract, and if he shows up again for weaponized sex, call the police.
March 5 at 12:53pm
Thinking of a date as your “showdown with Mr. Control Freak” is not a good sign.
March 5 at 1:03pm
I’m worried that perhaps I’ve been too negative in my response to the contract.
No.
March 5 at 1:04pm
My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament, which means he’s hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he’s as accident-prone as I am. He’s expected to make a full recovery, but it means he’s resting up, and my mother has to wait on him hand and sore foot.
1) That doesn’t sound like an injury that would prevent you from traveling or attending a graduation.
2) Even if it was, it doesn’t sound like an injury that would prevent your partner from going to see her daughter’s graduation.
3) Bob sounds like an ass.
March 5 at 1:06pm
There’s an obscenely rich guy I’ve met and he wants some kind of strange kinky sexual relationship, in which I don’t get a say in things.
If that is how you summarize your potential relationship, get the hell out.
Also, if you’ve actually been doing research on D/s relationships, you should know that a sub in a healthy relationship DOES get a say. The final say, even.
March 5 at 1:08pm
…His response to her objection to things on the contract is to copy and paste a dictionary definition of ‘submissive,’ and then say, “Please bear this in mind for our meeting on Wednesday.”
She thinks that means he’s willing to discuss her issues.
His response is do deeply, profoundly not ok.
March 5 at 1:12pm
She would rather drive her own car and meet him somewhere, which is the smartest thing she’s done so far (since getting the hell out isn’t on the menu, apparently.)
And he referred her back to the definition of submissive and said, “Do you ever think you’ll be able to do what you’re told?”
I have read so much about how the relationship in this is abusive, and it still didn’t prepare me for how fucked up this is.
March 5 at 1:14pm
Doesn’t he understand that I may need to make a quick getaway? Not that my Beetle is quick…but still–I need a means of escape.
If that’s how you feel you have to prepare for a date, you should not go on that date.
March 5 at 1:16pm
And Paul is following her around work badgering her for a date and not taking no for an answer, which is a different kind of creepy. He says she’s saying she has a date because she’s trying to avoid him, which…I mean, that’s still a no, dude. Back the fuck off.
He will for Christan Grey, apparently, but not for Jose, and most importantly, not for Ana telling him no.
March 5 at 1:22pm
Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part of me resents that he should find this a surprise.
There are lots of reasons you should resent his behavior. That’s not one of them.
March 5 at 1:24pm
Ana is so boring it’s borderline offensive.
March 5 at 1:25pm
‘Just keeping it real, Ana. The whole package–look good. Keep the dress. You’ll have him eating out of your hand.’
My mouth presses in a hard line.
That is not how you respond to your friend:
1) Loaning you two outfits even though all you can do is whine that getting dressed and putting on makeup is hard and clothes aren’t your thing because nothing is your thing because you are so fucking boring.
2) Being super supportive and sweet.
3) Giving you one of those dresses because you look awesome in it.
She doesn’t say thank you or anything. She tells Kate to wish her luck.
Ana is such a bitch.
March 5 at 1:28pm
‘You know this contract is legally unenforceable.’
‘I am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.’
‘Were you going to tell me that at any point?’
He frowns. ‘You’d think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?’
‘Well…yes.’
‘You don’t think very highly of me, do you?’
You made her sign a non-disclosure agreement before showing her your play room and won’t let her talk to her best friend about sex. You gave her a contract in awful legalese instead of plain English and you didn’t mention it wasn’t legally enforceable.
That’s not even getting to the part where she told you no and tried to kick you off before sex and you responded by threatening to tie her up and gag her.
You have not in any way earned the kind of trust to not think you’d do exactly that.
Asshole.
March 5 at 1:33pm
‘If you do sign and then decide you don’t like it, there are enough get-out clauses so you can walk away.’
That contract specifically says she has to ask for permission to leave, which you can grant if you so desire. There’s mention of conditions where she can leave, but that doesn’t include just not liking it.
March 5 at 1:36pm
‘Relationships like this are built on honesty and trust.
Bwhahahahaha
March 5 at 1:36pm
‘If you don’t trust me–trust me to know how I’m affecting you, how far I can go with you, how far I can take you–if you can’t be honest with me, then we really can’t do this.’
She gave you a list of problems and you responded with a dictionary definition of submissive. You have in no way and in no place outlined the power and responsibility of being a submissive, and you haven’t mentioned the part where you need to trust her to be honest about her own preferences and limits, and trust her to ask to stop or use a safeword.
And you also haven’t mentioned her trusting you to stop when she tells you to.
March 5 at 1:39pm
He didn’t have discussions like this with his other lovers because they were established submissives.
Again, that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
March 5 at 1:40pm
He keeps evading her questions and dismissing her concerns and scolding her for even asking and lecturing about how she needs to trust him.
This is kind of horrifying.
March 5 at 1:40pm
I remember his snit when I phoned Jose.
But you didn’t even phone him. He phoned you. He got pissy because someone else did something.
March 5 at 1:41pm
‘I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.’
He smiles sardonically.
‘Do you think that would stop me?’ he says softly, a sensual warning.
My eyes widen, and I swallow again.
‘I hope so.’
‘Come, I have a private dining room booked. No public.’
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU BUILD TRUST. THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. YOU DO NOT THREATEN SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO STAY IN PUBLIC BECAUSE THEY’RE NERVOUS. AND YOU STAY IN FUCKING PUBLIC.
March 5 at 1:43pm
And he’s already ordered for her. Because he’s known her for less than two weeks, and that’s plenty of time to know about her preferences and if she has any allergies or anything.
Seriously, that’s not romantic.
March 5 at 1:44pm
Every single thing happening in this ‘contract negotiation’ is making me roll my eyes so hard. And every single bit is a huge, waving red flag.
Except the part about the oysters, which made me actually for real gag.
March 5 at 1:48pm
I’m feeling railroaded.
That means get out.
March 5 at 1:49pm
‘And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do what I like to you. You have to accept that and willingly. That’s why you have to trust me. I will fuck you, any time, any way I want–anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me.’
That is not how this works.
And that’s totally why there are people who think spousal rape isn’t possible.
March 5 at 1:51pm
She’s so thrilled he just called her Ana instead of Anastasia. He is so good at manipulating her. It’s terrifying.
March 5 at 1:58pm
‘I hope you like fish,’ Christian says mildly.’
If you’re still at the stage where you don’t know if someone doesn’t like fish, you shouldn’t be ordering for them.
March 5 at 2:02pm
She won’t back down on the food clause, but she is letting him get away with ordering for her and bullying her into eating when he wants her to.
I mean, I’m glad she’s willing to take a stand, but I think she started too small.
March 5 at 2:12pm
He’s still badgering her about the damned food. And he’s kept count of every single bite.
And because she expressed that she’s upset, he brought up sex, so she’s all melty again. She even says, “His most potent weapon, used against me again.”
Seriously, not ok.
March 5 at 2:16pm
She asked for dessert. He’s been on her about food since they met, and he dismisses the request and brings up sex again. So she says he uses it as a weapon against her and it’s not fair–points to her for saying it out loud–and he says this:
‘If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy.’ His voice is soft, seductive. ‘All those decisions–all the wearying thought processes behind them. The ‘is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now?’ You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dom. And right now, I know you want me, Anastasia.’
That is manipulative and awful.
March 5 at 2:19pm
He’s the only one who knows and understands the rules. I’m just too naive and inexperienced.
THAT’S WHY THIS IS ALL WRONG!
March 5 at 2:20pm
Also:
My only sphere of reference is Kate, and she doesn’t take any shit from men.
So you have a good role model. Go with that.
March 5 at 2:21pm
Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it.
That…is not sexy.
March 5 at 2:22pm
She wants to leave and he fucking threatened her again. She told him straight out that she needs some distance.
March 5 at 2:24pm
And he’s putting her down again for not being submissive enough.
March 5 at 2:24pm
He moves slowly toward me as his speaks, his voice tense.
I know no one edited this, but was it too much to ask for a proofreader?
Hell, Word’s shitty grammar check would have caught that.
March 5 at 2:25pm
He tries to get her to go up to his room to have sex, and he’s snotty about how she doesn’t like that she’s not allowed to touch him.
At least he does decide to let her go, but he gets all distant and withdrawn on her, which is manipulative as hell, and he just said, “If you make the right decision, can I see you on Sunday?”
Oh, and he found an excuse to give her his jacket, so she’ll have to see him one more time. Super manipulative.
March 5 at 2:29pm
And he’s making fun of her car now.
March 5 at 2:30pm
He’s talking about buying her a new car, too.
If she won’t fall for the sex, maybe she’ll fall for the money. It’s all just manipulation.
March 5 at 2:31pm
And as soon as she’s on her way away from him, she’s sobbing. This is not what love is like.
March 5 at 2:32pm
She even knows what she wants from a relationship and knows she isn’t going to get any of it with Christian.
That is not how relationships work.
March 5 at 2:34pm
(Should work.)
March 5 at 2:34pm
What if I say yes, and in three months’ time he says no, he’s had enough of trying to mold me into something I’m not? How will I feel? I’ll have emotionally invested three months, doing things that I’m not sure I want to do. And if he then says no, agreement over, how could I cope with that level of rejection?
You are asking all the right questions.
March 5 at 2:35pm
And there’s an email waiting for her when she gets home, which is not how you give someone space.
His email makes me weep more. I am not a merger. I am not an acquisition.
That is so sad. Even sadder, there are two and a half more books of this relationship.
March 5 at 2:37pm
And as I weep into my pillow silently, it’s this last idea I cling to. This is all I know, too. Perhaps together we can chart a new course.
NO!
This, right here, this moment? This ‘I can fix him’ moment? This is the one where people get lured into abusive relationships even when they know it’s wrong and they’re going to get hurt. It’s a really, really old story, and there are lots and lots of people living through it right now, and it does not end happily.
March 5 at 2:39pm
I didn’t know I could dream sex.
Anastasia Steele is a 21-year-old virgin who has never masturbated or had a wet dream.
Or, possibly, she’s an alien sleeper agent planted here to gather data about earth relationships, but there was mistake, and most of her programming didn’t take.
March 5 at 2:42pm
I hate that the only reason Ana is interested in Kate’s life or is willing to help her with anything is to sidetrack or distract her.
Ana is a shitty friend.
March 5 at 2:44pm
Also, she acknowledges that if she asks for anything she wants, Christian will say no and leave. So that’s reason to…not ask for what she wants.
She’s asking the right questions and coming up with all the wrong answers.
March 5 at 2:46pm
Every single person she encounters who knows her–even over the phone–knows something is wrong. Her dad knows nothing about Christian Grey or anything else going on in her life and he still immediately knows something’s wrong.
Again, that’s not a good sign.
March 5 at 2:48pm
He’s at her graduation and he gives a speech about how he was hungry once and how he wants to solve world hunger. Ana is shocked. And she’s trying to remember what was in Kate’s article, which she’d know if she’d read it instead of just staring at Christian’s picture.
Also, being abused as a toddler is not a reason or excuse for being a creepy, manipulative, abusive ass.
Oh, and he takes the opportunity on stage during her graduation to berate her for not immediately answering his last email. From the night before. After the date where she asked for space and time to process. Which was also the night before her graduation, so maybe she was busy?
March 5 at 3:02pm
And he sent Kate out from back stage to summon Ana. And he was apparently very insistent.
Because at her graduation, she should absolutely drop any and all plans to be at his beck and call. Before having made a decision or signing his damned contract.
March 5 at 3:03pm
He takes her into a room by herself and locks the door.
Normal, reasonable, trustworthy people do not do that.
March 5 at 3:04pm
And he’s angry that she has a friend who services her car. And he called it a death trap. And is generally being possessive and shitty.
March 5 at 3:05pm
And imposing deadlines.
Asshole.
March 5 at 3:06pm
And he gets insistent about meeting her dad when she says she doesn’t want him to.
And she’s mentally pleading with her dad to give her an excuse to not have to be around Christian.
Those are not signs that you should get into a relationship.
March 5 at 3:07pm
Kate’s brother hugs Ana and stands with an arm around her, so of course Christian’s pissed. Because how dare she know any men at all.
March 5 at 3:11pm
And she tells him she wants more and he refuses so…she accepts his damned contract.
Not the right answer.
March 5 at 3:13pm
She feels sick. Because she agreed to be his sub.
March 5 at 3:14pm
The whole thing with the ridiculously extravagant first edition books is just so stupid. It’s a move to impress and manipulate her, and his pushy reaction makes it super clear that he does not want a relationship with a woman. He either wants a prostitute, or more likely, a sex bot from this side of the uncanny valley.
March 5 at 3:23pm
I’m running out of energy for pointing out every shady, shitty thing Christian does.
But I laughed out loud when they were talking about anal sex and Ana finds out Christian’s done it before and she blurts out, “With a man?”
Women have asses, too, Ana. You were just discussing fucking yours.
Unless she automatically assumes he meant he’s been on the receiving end. I guess it’s too much to think she’s familiar with pegging.
March 5 at 3:55pm
And she can’t figure out how he’d have had anal sex with the woman who was molesting him. Sigh.
March 5 at 3:55pm
It’s been so well established that Ana has gone through her life knowing literally nothing about sex, because if you haven’t had it, you’ve also never seen it in movies or on TV or read about it in books, and you can’t possibly have looked at porn or read anything about it or heard about it from friends or anything. Until you have sex, you live in a perfect bubble of ignorance.
So that makes it seem like going through this list of sex acts and being insulting about needing to discuss any of it is assholish. And just accepting that sure, she’s cool with that is not a good move.
Like, maybe instead of having a list like that, actually talk about what you’re going to do next and discuss the specifics of that one act then and decide whether that’s acceptable or not.
But that would be following the rules of safe, sane, and consensual, and God forbid they do anything like that in this book.
March 5 at 3:59pm
He laughed, it hurt her feelings, and he’s glaring and warning her about making him apologize again. Asshole.
March 5 at 4:00pm
And plying her with alcohol while going over a contract is just so icky. Seriously.
March 5 at 4:01pm
If Christian weren’t an abusive shitbag, he would not be hooking up with Ana. Seriously.
Or if he were, he would be going about this so, so differently.
March 5 at 4:02pm
‘We can work up to that.’
‘Or not do it at all,’ I whisper.
‘This is part of the deal, baby, but we’ll work up to all of this.’
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU NEGOTIATE LIMITS.
March 5 at 4:03pm
“Look, I want to talk about one more thing, then I’m taking you to bed.”
That is not about consent. That is horrible.
March 5 at 4:05pm
I would feel so different if she had gone to do her research and she had been a lot more comfortable with the idea.
And if Christian were an actual Dom, not an abuser grooming a victim.
March 5 at 4:06pm
And you know, she’s just graduated, and she’s getting ready to move to a whole new city, so she’s already cut off from most of her social network.
Like, half the work of isolating her is already done for him.
March 5 at 4:07pm
He bought her a car, which I knew was coming, but I did not know how perfectly timed it was as a manipulation. I mean, damn. The man is a criminal mastermind.
March 5 at 4:11pm
Also:
I frown at him, at a loss what to say. He just doesn’t get it! He’s had money all his life. Okay, not all his life–not as a small child–and my worldview shifts. The thought is very sobering, and I soften toward the car, feeling guilty about my fit of pique.
No! What happened to him before he was four years old has no bearing on whether or not it’s appropriate for him to try to force a damned car on you.
March 5 at 4:14pm
I want him badly–in spite of the car, the books, the soft limits…the caning…I want him.
Every relationship is going to require compromise. And everyone is going to have something about them that will annoy the shit out of you. That is not an acceptable compromise list.
You know what is? If you ask one of my best friends what the one thing is that drives her crazy about her husband, she’ll immediately say, “Water on the bathroom floor.”
And they are a healthy, happy couple. And I haven’t heard a lot of the details, but you know what? They do a lot of the stuff on Christian’s ‘soft limits’ list. And more.
March 5 at 4:17pm
He is so angry she’s uncomfortable with him buying a car for her that he’s cussing at her and he’s getting ready to drag her into the bedroom to hate fuck her.
That is not ok.
March 5 at 4:18pm
‘Please don’t be angry with me,’ I whisper.
His gaze is impassive; his eyes cold shards of smoky glass.
‘I’m sorry about the car and the books…’ I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. ‘You scare me when you’re angry,’ I breathe, staring at him.
See, right there? She is apologizing for being upset that he way overstepped normal boundaries. She should not have to apologize for that. She shouldn’t be put in a place where she has to feel like she should. And she’s completely unambiguous about being scared, and he’s been angry enough to scare her before they’ve known each other for two weeks.
This is not how healthy relationships begin.
March 5 at 4:21pm
I wonder if the panties he just ripped off her were the pair he bought.
March 5 at 4:27pm
You know, I don’t mind that Christian’s really mindful about condoms, though. The book does get points for that.
This still leaves it thousands of points in the red, though.
March 5 at 4:29pm
Also, ‘delicious’ and ‘yummy’ should probably get added to the drinking game.
March 5 at 4:31pm
…And they had perfectly nice, enthusiastic sex, and Christian immediately ruined it by pulling out his checklist and going, “Well, that’s the basics covered.”
That is not sexy talk.
March 5 at 4:39pm
You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.
The face I made when I read that line was not pleasant.
March 5 at 4:39pm
She tells him she had a dream and he glares at her and she’s worried she’s in trouble.
Not. Healthy.
March 5 at 4:40pm
I throw my arm over my eyes again. And like a small child, I briefly entertain the thought that if I can’t see him, then he can’t see me.
I’ve got nothing left.
March 5 at 4:41pm
‘When is your period due?’ He interrupts my thoughts.
What?
‘I hate wearing these things,’ he grumbles. He holds up the condom, then puts it on the floor and slips on his jeans.
1) I hope that’s the condom that’s still in the packet, not the used one.
2) All points for condom use revoked.
March 5 at 4:43pm
He just admitted to deliberately getting her drunk to talk about his contract and then have sex.
Considering our justice system, that probably wouldn’t go anywhere in court, but seriously? That has crossed really important lines.
March 5 at 4:45pm
Anastasia, I have crossed so many lines here tonight.
And I will bet you he doesn’t mean a single one I’ve been screaming about.
March 5 at 4:45pm
You do not bring up TPE 24/7 to someone who, on hearing about vibrating eggs, thinks chicken eggs.
March 5 at 4:47pm
And you especially don’t bring it up in the context of kidnapping someone and holding her against her will, because that is not total power exchange, that is kidnapping and slavery.
March 5 at 4:48pm
And you really, really don’t threaten that so you can say, “So you don’t have a choice,” in regards to signing your batshit contract.
March 5 at 4:48pm
‘I haven’t signed,’ I whisper.
‘I told you what I’d do. I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we’ll need that condom after all.’
She describes this as so hot, but again, this is crossing serious, important lines. Not cool.
March 5 at 4:50pm
You should not let someone do things to you that you don’t want and that scare you because you’re afraid he’ll leave you. That is not exploring your sexuality. That is being abused.
March 5 at 4:51pm
A woman being wet is not justification for anything. Lubrication happens because sexy things are happening, or scary things are happening, or in self defense when bad things are happening.
And it’s really, really not shocking and unexpected immediately post-coitus.
Basically, Christian spanking her then telling her about how much she liked it because she’s wet is so, so gross.
March 5 at 4:55pm
He totally dropped that used condom on her bedroom floor earlier.
And seriously, his aftercare for his sub is so seriously lacking. It would be bad if she were experienced, but since she’s not, it’s inexcusable.
March 5 at 4:58pm
I can’t say that I enjoyed the experience. In fact, I would still go a long way to avoid it…
So, so not ok.
March 5 at 4:59pm
She can’t bring herself to look at him.
This is so sad.
March 5 at 5:01pm
Yet today, for the first time ever, I feel lonely and uncomfortable here, unhappy with my own company.
Oh, honey.
And seriously, if Christian were actually into D/s, he wouldn’t be leaving her feeling like this. It’s awful.
And so deeply not romantic.
March 5 at 5:02pm
She’s so upset she calls her mom for comfort. And talks about all these tears beneath a numb exterior.
She’s an awful person, but no one deserves this.
March 5 at 5:04pm
The world of Katherine Kavanagh is very clear, very black and white. Not the intangible, mysterious, vague hues of gray that color my world.
Nope, sorry. Not how that works.
This is a really good (though badly edited) look into the forming of an abusive relationship, though. Here’s the defense, even when she’s been crying and called her mom and is thinking about running across the country.
March 5 at 5:07pm
And she’s lying about why her butt hurts. That’s not a good sign at all.
March 5 at 5:08pm
He sent her a nice email and ruined it by being shitty and stalkery about her car–don’t drive it again or he’ll know.
So she says she’ll have to drive it to sell it, so he’s going to send his man to do it for her. Again with the boundary issues. And he threatened to come back and beat her until she can’t sit for a week, which is still gross because she didn’t enjoy it.
March 5 at 5:11pm
And after the emails, she’s sobbing again, and she’s convincing herself a normal man wouldn’t want her–again with the Christian Grey or cats thing.
And he bursts into her damned house.
Kate is still the best:
What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?
Well, you can’t!
What the fuck have you done to her now?
Since she’s met you she cries all the time.
You can’t come in here!
Go, Kate!
March 5 at 5:14pm
She even offers to throw him out and tells him, “Grey–you’re on my shit list and I’m watching you.”
I wish Kate were the main character.
March 5 at 5:15pm
‘Part of my role is to look after your needs. You said you wanted me to stay, so here I am. And yet I find you like this.’ He blinks at me, truly bewildered. ‘I’m sure I’m responsible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?’
Oh my gods. Worst Dom ever.
March 5 at 5:17pm
I stare down at my hands. What can I say that I haven’t said already? I want more. I want him to stay because he wants to stay with me, not because I’m a blubbering mess, and I don’t want him to beat me, is that so unreasonable?
No. No, it is not.
March 5 at 5:18pm
She is already scared he’s going to hit her again.
This is not sexy or romantic.
March 5 at 5:19pm
…And she just blamed Kate for the whole thing.
Ana is an awful person.
March 5 at 5:20pm
I get where some of this allure is coming from. Christian is the mysterious, damaged man who doesn’t like to be touched, but then he gives in and shares Ana’s bed and she wakes up and he’s all curled around her and he slept well and enjoyed it, and there’s this promise there that Ana can fix him and make him better.
Except that’s a lie and that’s not how it works, but that’s exactly how people walk into abusive relationships knowing it’s a bad idea and knowing they’re going to get hurt.
March 5 at 5:53pm
She’s just titled an email ‘Assault and Battery: The After-Effects.’
And in reference to the spanking, she says, “which euphemism should we apply–spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me.” She also says she felt “demeaned, debased, and abused.”
In both lists, if this were a healthy relationship, she wouldn’t be using those words. She shouldn’t be feeling assaulted or abused. That’s not ok.
There’s some wiggle room with demeaned and debased, based mostly on context and whether or not everyone involved is expecting it and enjoying it.
Which, again, she didn’t.
March 5 at 5:57pm
His response is a master work of manipulation.
March 5 at 5:59pm
Oh, god damn it, she said if she was listening to her body, she’d be in Alaska by now, and he seriously titled his next email, “You Didn’t Call the Cops.”
Then he told her she stood there and let him do it and blamed her for not using a safeword and told her he’s looking forward to doing it to her again.
And he threatened to hunt her down if she did run.
Again, we’ve gone out of the way to see how ridiculously innocent she is. Once more, worst Dom ever.
March 5 at 6:01pm
Their emails could be cute and flirty, but not in the context of their whole relationship.
It’s nice that she’s standing up a bit, but it’s an illusion.
March 5 at 6:02pm
And he sent a Blackberry, specifically so he can be in contact with her at all times.
That’s not creepy or possessive or unhealthy at all.
March 5 at 6:04pm
If this is romantic, I have a clear understanding of why my dating life is so sparse.
Because seriously, if this is romance, I pick cats.
March 5 at 6:06pm
I find dictating which doctor she sees overbearing and awful, too.
It would be 100% different if she’d said she didn’t have a doctor in Seattle and could he recommend someone. But she just said she didn’t have a doctor and he charged in and took over and that is not romantic. That’s invasive.
March 5 at 6:10pm
I’m weirdly relieved that someone came to her door for the keys to her car so it could be sold, and she handed them over. Part of me kind of expected her car to just disappear on her.
I mean, Christian totally bullied her into this, so it’s still not ok, but this is where we are with the character. I 100% expected him to steal her car.
March 5 at 6:21pm
They’re moving, and Jose came with food and beer.
Dude is never getting off the hook for how he acted at the bar at the beginning of the book, but that’s maybe unfair because it only happened so Christian could ‘rescue’ her. It was just an earlier take on Jacob’s character assassination to try to get everyone on team Edward.
So, if that was really just plot-driven character assassination instead of something genuinely in character for him, dude is a good friend.
March 5 at 6:25pm
Extra friend points if he’s helping them move.
March 5 at 6:25pm
Ana had loud, annoying sex in her room while Kate was in the house (incidentally, the house that Kate’s parents bought for her that Ana pays a pittance in rent to live in), but she’s bitching about Kate getting kissed.
Ana sucks.
March 5 at 6:26pm
When Ana doesn’t immediately answer her phone or email, Christian is totally one of those guys who calls over and over and over. And then he started a voicemail with this gem:
“I think you need to learn to manage my expectations.”
Dude needs to back the fuck off.
And the thing is, I agree with his basic point: if you say you’re going to call at a certain time, you’re rude if you don’t. And I’m a worst-case-scenario type, so I get the worrying. But he’s such a dick about it that I don’t even care.
March 5 at 6:32pm
She is scared to call him and she’s afraid he wants to beat her and that depresses her.
That is not a good relationship.
March 5 at 6:33pm
And again, without some of the context, their whole ‘no, you hang up’ exchange could be so cute and sweet. Instead it’s sad.
March 5 at 6:35pm
Kate has a Pike Place Market apartment. I am so jealous.
March 5 at 6:36pm
Ana just called the new apartment ‘not large, but it’s big enough.’ It’s three bedrooms with a large living space that looks out on the market.
Does she have even the foggiest idea what the kind of place costs?
March 5 at 6:50pm
Also, the name of his helicopter, Charlie Tango, is the first two initials of his name. I still haven’t decided how I feel about that.
March 5 at 6:52pm
He sent a delivery to their new apartment without getting the address from either of them. I’d say I’d give him a pass since his brother did help them move, and there was a family dinner, and he could have asked so he could send them a surprise, so it could be one of the more innocent, sweet things he’s done…
But he probably tracked her again or went about it the creepy way.
And I’m not in the mood to give him any credit anymore.
March 5 at 6:55pm
She’s wearing the underwear Christian bought for her, which definitely means he ripped one of her personal pairs.
That’s just inconsiderate.
March 5 at 6:59pm
Nothing like a visit from the ob/gyn to really get the sexy times going.
March 5 at 7:04pm
‘Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.’
Christian is taken aback–as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.
Of all the inappropriate things that have happened in this book, this isn’t one of them.
March 5 at 7:07pm
She tells him that the doctor said she has to abstain from sex for four weeks, then says, “Gotcha,” which is at least actually a joke, unlike the email thing.
So Christian gets all looming and threatening and scares the shit out of her, then says, “Gotcha,” which is not funny and really assholish.
March 5 at 7:09pm
“Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise, Anastasia. One of the reasons people like me do this is because we either like to give or receive pain. It’s very simple.”
Yes, to or from someone else who also likes it, or else you’re treating someone badly. That is also simple, but obviously above Christian’s head.
March 5 at 7:14pm
The first session in the playroom is better than pretty much anything else they’ve done together. Ana’s clearly into bondage, and he’s been pretty good about introducing her to it gently.
If it were more of that and less of…everything else, it would be a much more enjoyable book.
March 5 at 7:33pm
Take a shot when there’s an unnecessary description of how a drink tastes.
Two shots if it quenches her thirst.
March 5 at 7:36pm
Dancing to Sinatra and playing a game with the missing underwear is also cute. There are elements of something fun and enjoyable here.
Something is going to ruin it any moment now.
March 5 at 7:39pm
Also, I mean…does anyone ever notice whether or not someone else is wearing underwear? Like, unless your clothes are transparent or there’s a really visible pantyline or something. But mostly, when you’re meeting someone, do you spend any time at all wondering if they’re wearing underwear?
March 5 at 7:40pm
Kate’s new relationship is going so well that her boyfriend is going on her trip with her and she’s happy about it. Is Ana happy for her? Of course not. Ana’s mentally chiding her to have some dignity.
Yup, Ana’s still a bitch.
March 5 at 7:49pm
Christian is being a jealous, possessive bastard because Ana’s thinking of going to visit her mother. And she’s going during the week, which isn’t part of the ‘Christian owns her’ time they negotiated. Even if she had signed his contract, that’d be in her rights.
March 5 at 7:51pm
And now he’s threatened her because she went to a bar with a friend. She didn’t flirt with that friend or kiss him or have sex with him or anything, but Christian is so mad he just threatened to beat her again.
Not healthy.
March 5 at 7:53pm
Well, there’s a strong pro-vaxx message in the middle of the family dinner, so there’s that.
March 5 at 7:55pm
Their relationship is one where, after talking about visiting her mother, going to a bar with a friend, and not letting him fingerbang her under the dinner table in front of his entire family, he’s so mad she’s afraid he’s going to hurt her.
So instead he’s “going to fuck you on the couch this minute, quickly, for my pleasure, not yours.”
Again, there’s no room for consent here. Especially since he’s using sex she’s not supposed to enjoy as punishment.
Imagine what would happen if she actually did something wrong.
March 5 at 8:14pm
Also, he stuck a finger in her and announced, “This is mine…All mine. Do you understand?”
No, I think you’ll find it’s very definitely hers.
March 5 at 8:15pm
“We don’t have long. This will be quick, and it’s for me, not you. Do you understand? Don’t come, or I will spank you.”
Yup, one of the great romances of our time.
March 5 at 8:17pm
But it’s heavenly, too; this is my power, this is what I do to him, and it’s a hedonistic, triumphant feeling.
Nope. That is a profound misunderstanding of submission.
Or, potentially, one thing someone who’s being abused gets out of the relationship.
March 5 at 8:19pm
He just put a used condom in his pocket.
That’s actually more gross than leaving it on the bedroom floor.
March 5 at 8:20pm
From inside his pocket, he produces my panties. I don’t grin as I take them from him, but inside I know–I’ve taken a punishment fuck but gained a small victory over the panties.
Nope. The only victory here would be going home and never speaking to him again.
March 5 at 8:22pm
About Kate:
I’m fully aware her actions come from a good place, but sometimes she just oversteps boundaries, and right now she’s so far over that she’s in the neighboring state.
Nothing about Christian, but she’ll bitch about Kate.
She does not deserve Kate.
March 5 at 8:26pm
She feels like he got cornered into inviting her to see his parents because he bitched about how irregular it was and how he wouldn’t normally do that. Now he’s scolding her for being filled with self-doubt.
And the gaslighting works perfectly and she feels all happy and loved, because emotional abuse is fucking insidious.
March 5 at 8:29pm
She wants to go to Georgia to see her mom and he seriously asked if he could go along. After trying to finger her at the dinner table in front of his mom.
But she’ll bitch about Kate overstepping boundaries.
March 5 at 8:30pm
He is so damned unhappy about her seeing her mom and getting some space. And you know why? Because if she gets enough space, she’ll get out from under his spell. He wouldn’t have to be so scared if their relationship were healthy at all.
What do I say? Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can’t touch you, because I’m too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse–beat me? What can I say?
How about all those things. These are not the questions and fears of a young woman exploring her sexuality.
March 5 at 8:40pm
Also? You have known him for two weeks. You do not love him.
March 5 at 8:41pm
This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero, a brave shining white knight–or the dark knight, as he said. He’s not a hero; he a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark.
Yes, exactly, and that’s why you get the fuck out.
Can I not guide him into the light?
No. He can get there if he wants, with therapy. But you are not going to fix him because these stories don’t end well in real life.
March 5 at 8:43pm
Except his apartment is an art gallery, not a home.
Man, Ana can bitch about anything.
March 5 at 8:46pm
There are a few things about the writing that, with some editing, could be cute and clever. At least if it were really a romance instead of a horror story.
March 5 at 8:48pm
So she can’t argue with no.
March 5 at 8:50pm
She’s using his toothbrush again.
March 5 at 8:52pm
Take a shot whenever his pants are hanging off his hips. Two shots if they’re hanging ‘that way.’
March 5 at 8:53pm
Then he immediately uses the toothbrush. Ugh.
March 5 at 8:53pm
Her inner goddess and subconscious are still the best part of this.
March 5 at 8:55pm
He’s asking my permission! Breathlessly, I nod. I’m incapable of speech.
Again, if this were a healthy relationship, she would not be this excited about something like asking permission to do things to her body.
March 5 at 8:56pm
Also, Christian Grey clearly needs to buy some lube.
March 5 at 8:57pm
Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush.
…That is not hard. Because sharing a toothbrush is not sexy.
March 5 at 8:58pm
They just had morning sex on his desk, and the first thing he does is make another play to stop her from going to see her mom, then he shuts down when she still wants to go.
He’s all about having been her first, though. Lots of possession.
He’s so gross.
March 5 at 9:12pm
This guy reminds her of Christian, and that inspires ‘irrational wariness.’
Listen to your gut, Ana.
March 5 at 9:21pm
She’s also having snobby thoughts about her potential new boss and his reading choices.
Because whenever I’m feeling bad for Ana and hope she gets out of this, she reminds me that she’s the worst.
March 5 at 9:23pm
Also, if you’re going into publishing, it’s probably good to read current things instead of nothing but classics, because you will not be publishing classics.
March 5 at 9:24pm
Every time she’s around Kate, I hate her.
March 5 at 9:27pm
I want Kate to be my friend. I’ll treat her way better than Ana.
March 5 at 9:28pm
I am so sick of hearing about Christian’s vague, terrible first four years of life. Those are formative years, but that is absolutely no excuse for committing emotional and physical abuse.
March 5 at 9:30pm
I’m weirdly angry at Kate and Ana for not taking advantage of Pike Place. It’s right there. They live in it. And there is so much food and it’s amazing.
I’m pretty sure the rent isn’t the only reason I couldn’t afford to live there, basically.
March 5 at 9:32pm
Also, take a shot every time Ana calls Christian a control freak.
March 5 at 9:33pm
Language evolves and moves on. It is an organic thing. It is not stuck in an ivory tower, hung with expensive works of art and overlooking most of Seattle with a helipad stuck on its roof.
She is such a bitch.
And I agree with her about language, but that’s pretty big someone from someone who got snotty about an editor reading mostly post 1950s lit while she herself sits in her own lofty tower, reading only English classics.
March 5 at 9:36pm
He’s chastising her for saying ‘fuck,’ when she didn’t say it once until he was in the picture.
March 5 at 9:37pm
I did snort when his email signature was amended to:
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc., from His Ivory Tower
March 5 at 9:38pm
There are moments when their relationship is cute and flirty, and what’s so scary is how perfectly that captures the ups and downs in abuse. Those ups will keep you there through the downs until you’re too hurt to keep going.
March 5 at 9:39pm
It takes upgrading her plane ticket to first class to really get her worked up.
Damn Christian Grey, interfering control freak–he just can’t leave well enough alone.
She sees exactly what he is and still can’t stay away, and that is so scary.
March 5 at 9:41pm
I’m starting to think this book, other than the need for an editor, is brilliant. It’s really captured how insidious and subtle abuse can be.
Then it got billed as a romance, because something in our culture is broken.
March 5 at 9:42pm
I open up my MacBook, hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet.
…It’s 2011 and Anastasia Steele has no idea how computers or wifi work.
March 5 at 9:43pm
And she tells Christian she got a massage and he wants to know who did it because he’s creepy and possessive.
A professional, you ass.
March 5 at 9:44pm
So he threatens to have her bound and gagged in a crate in the cargo hold, and it’s not cute or funny because she literally doesn’t know if he’s serious or not.
And he’s playing around with his sig line again, and it’s not funny anymore, because Christian Grey can ruin anything.
March 5 at 9:49pm
She writes this long email to Christian and it is the saddest thing. You watch her talking herself out of her own senses to justify staying with him when she’s scared and worried about being both physically and emotionally injured by him.
March 5 at 9:52pm
She just sent a text about how she’s arrived to Kate, her dad, and Christian.
I wonder if it’s a group text or individual texts.
It would be hilarious if Christian were outed as an abusive ass via accidental group texting.
March 5 at 9:55pm
She’s on the beach in Georgia with her mom:
My fatigue has waned, and as I soak up the sun, I feel comfortable, safe, and warm. For the first time in forever, I start to relax.
Again, listen to your gut, Ana.
March 5 at 9:57pm
“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures.”
That is such a terrible disservice to men as a whole.
March 5 at 9:59pm
I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all.
I have no idea how to feel about that.
March 5 at 10:00pm
“I apologize for frightening you. I find the thought of instilling fear in you abhorrent.”
I just snorted so hard it hurt.
March 5 at 10:02pm
He has FINALLY told her a little about the power a sub has. It is way too late, since that should have been where they started. He framed his contract and his rights in such a way as to make it clear that she doesn’t have power and that she can’t say no. Saying it now, by email, while she’s out of his immediate reach, is suspicious as fuck.
March 5 at 10:05pm
My reason vanishes when we’re together–that’s the depth of my feeling for you.
That is so insanely creepy, because that’s exactly what he’s going to say when he seriously physically hurts her. And that’s what she’s going to say to herself to convince herself to let him get away with it.
That’s also why it’s so weird and upsetting when he gets all pissy about her biting her lip. He needs to control himself because it’s his responsibility what he does, not hers.
March 5 at 10:07pm
There is so much about Christian’s long email that’s right. It’s one of those pieces that could be part of a real romance. But there’s just enough wrong, too, and it’s too late. It’s not building love and trust. It’s weaving a tighter snare so he won’t lose her while she’s got the space to think for herself.
March 5 at 10:09pm
And, disappointingly, it worked like a charm on Ana.
March 5 at 10:10pm
I have brought Kate’s gray halter-neck dress that I wore for my graduation. It’s the only dressy item I have.
You don’t have it. You just clearly said it’s Kate’s.
Bitch.
March 5 at 10:12pm
Oh, gods. They’re sexting, but by email.
That doesn’t make a portmanteau as nicely.
March 5 at 10:15pm
And he scolded her for leaving off with the email sex before he could finish, because he’s gross and awful.
He’s already on the internet. It’s not like there’s a shortage of porn or something.
March 5 at 10:17pm
“And I would never be unwittingly obtuse, Mr. Grey.”
So she’s deliberately obtuse?
That confirms, like, almost every mean thing I’ve thought about her.
March 5 at 10:21pm
Now she’s seething because she assumes he’s going to see the woman who molested him.
That’s a big leap. (I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that she’s right, but that doesn’t change that that’s a hell of an assumption to make.)
March 5 at 10:23pm
Holy cow! I’m on Google!
And in 2011, Anastasia Steele also doesn’t know how Google works.
March 5 at 10:25pm
She’s trying to internet stalk him in order to see what his molester looks like.
No way she’s smart enough to pull that off.
March 5 at 10:26pm
She’s upset that he had dinner with his molester, which is actually way more reasonable than his jealous bullshit over Jose and any other man who looks vaguely in her direction. And he’s being shitty about it because she’s ‘just a friend.’
And of course he’s in Georgia, because God forbid Christian see a boundary he doesn’t immediately leap over.
March 5 at 10:30pm
I hate everything about him showing up in Georgia, from Ana’s reaction–including being pleased and scared–to him being all tense and angry at her, because he’s an ass.
And he managed to make her responsible for it, too, because she said she wished he were there. That does not mean you violate the space she asked for.
Ass.
March 5 at 10:32pm
Christian is totally brushing off how he acts about Jose after Ana pointed out she’s never had a relationship with him, where he had a relationship with his molester, and he’s simultaneously justifying the abuse he got from her, and he’s talking about never having to justify himself to anyone and liking his autonomy, and it’s so gross, because he’s pretty much laying out how he’s trying to take that autonomy from Ana.
I hate everything about that whole speech, including the part where his former molester is now his business partner. Because of course she is.
March 5 at 10:39pm
And she was married. I don’t know where ‘seducing a 15 year old and using him as a sex slave for years’ falls under the definition of cheating, but there is not a single thing about any of that that is acceptable.
March 5 at 10:39pm
Her mom unwittingly supporting her abusive relationship with Christian is so sad. Mostly because it’s the kind of thing that really happens and part of what makes abuse so confusing and so hard to break away from.
March 5 at 10:41pm
They keep having the exact same conversations and it is exhausting.
March 5 at 10:45pm
If there isn’t audio or video somewhere of George Takei reading 50 Shades, there should be.
March 5 at 10:46pm
He distracts her with sex when she asks questions he doesn’t want to answer, and it’s so gross.
March 5 at 10:47pm
The internet is a fucking magical place:
March 5 at 10:50pm
I’ve reached the “iconic” tampon scene.
Seriously, though, no one mentioned that it’s one of the least gross things in this book.
March 5 at 10:57pm
I glance down at my hands, clear beneath the water as the bubbles have started to disperse.
They just got in the tub. That is some shitty bubble bath.
March 5 at 11:01pm
He talks about his relationship with Ana with his molester, but he makes Ana sign a non-disclosure agreement and she isn’t allowed to talk about sex or get advice from her mother or best friend. And he’s all shitty about Ana not being 100% ok with that.
March 5 at 11:04pm
“You’re not a great submissive.”
“Maybe I don’t have a good teacher.”
Bingo.
March 5 at 11:06pm
He’s managed to successfully gaslight her into thinking that first spanking wasn’t so bad. After it hurt her and left her so distraught she was sobbing over it.
Also, that was a shitty way to introduce someone who’s reluctant to spanking for fun times. Especially since she did enjoy the second time.
Christian Grey is the worst.
March 5 at 11:12pm
He’s excited. Like a small boy, he’s iridescent with anticipation and excitement.
1) Either lose the first sentence or drop ‘and excitement.’ You don’t get paid by the word with novels.
2) Iridescent? Either that’s the wrong word or EL James lives in a very different world than I do.
March 5 at 11:22pm
Hmm, another piece of Christian Grey’s underwear–a trophy to add to my collection–along with the car, the BlackBerry, the Mac, his black jacket, and a set of valuable old first editions.
That’s…gross.
It’s moments like this when I think they deserve each other.
March 5 at 11:24pm
Also, I mean, we’re super clear on the fact that Ana’s on her period right now. Since there’s no such thing as TMI in these books, and since we get to hear about everything else in excruciating detail…did Christian have tampons for her, or does the hotel bed look like a crime scene?
March 5 at 11:26pm
He won over her subconscious with Twinings tea.
And to think he spent so much on the rest of her collection.
March 5 at 11:28pm
Childlike clouds?
Mostly, I can ignore the bad writing for the sake of the terrible characters, but occasionally, something really baffling just sticks right out.
March 5 at 11:33pm
The whole part where he wakes her up early and they go gliding together is lovely. If he hadn’t barged into her visit with her mother and made it about himself, and if the rest of their relationship weren’t so icky, it would be perfect.
March 5 at 11:55pm
They go for breakfast at IHOP and contemplate sex in the restaurant. That is gross. Don’t do that. Anyone.
March 6 at 12:00am
Also, she offers to pay and he accuses her of trying to completely emasculate him, which is absurd.
March 6 at 12:01am
Why do I want to spend every single minute with this controlling sex god?
Infatuation? Early relationship bubble? Because he’s controlling you?
Oh yes, I’ve fallen in love with him, and he can fly.
Um. No.
March 6 at 12:02am
Take a shot every time she talks about how he smells.
March 6 at 12:03am
She’s being nasty about her mom’s cooking now. She may or may not be right about it, but at this point, she’s complained about everything else so much that I don’t believe her.
March 6 at 12:04am
She’s being a bitch about her mom being excited that she just got a job. Ana’s the worst.
March 6 at 12:08am
I glance down at my phone and frown; there’s a missed call from Christian. He never phones me.
Um…except when he calls five times in one night? He calls all the time.
March 6 at 12:08am
Christian’s email:
“Are you growling at me, Miss Steele?
I possess a cat of my own for growlers.”
Anna:
Cat of his own? I’ve never seen a cat in his apartment.
She really does need to do her research.
March 6 at 12:13am
Any time something is [x number] [things] of [whatever], take a shot.
Two if it’s 50 shades of [anything].
March 6 at 12:16am
Ana just has to bitch about everything.
Apparently, Christian’s shower is ‘far-too-spacious.’
March 6 at 12:49am
Also, while I think Ana having reservations about Christian having dinner and being a business partner with his molester is reasonable, she took the jealousy thing way over the top when she started assuming any good progress in their relationship was because of her.
It’s so hard to take a side here. They’re both so awful.
March 6 at 12:55am
This is so…I want to think wrong, but somehow it’s not. It’s right for Christian. It’s what he wants–and after the last few days…after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs.
Um…no.
And to be clear, I don’t think Christian should be doing stuff that he really doesn’t want to do either just because Ana’s pushing him. They are badly matched, and not in an ‘opposites attract’ way.
March 6 at 12:59am
Of course Ana doesn’t like rap.
Who wants to bet she likes everything except rap and country?
March 6 at 1:10am
I know ‘yellow’ and ‘red’ are common safewords, but picking them for the person who’s supposed to use them isn’t how it works.
And what little useful talk about safewords there has been should have come way, way sooner.
March 6 at 1:12am
I just read a theory that Anastasia is actually anorexic (referenced by her name being Ana), hence Christian pushing food on her all the time. This is further supported by Christian’s sister, Mia (bulimia). There are some clever things about the writing here, but I’m kind of leaning toward that giving James too much credit.
Besides, there’s plenty of talk about how Anastasia eats just fine when she’s not around Christian, and he just puts her off her feed, which is less ‘he’s so caring, making sure she eats’ and more ‘your body is telling you to run, and he’s being a controlling ass.’
And it made me think about Edward learning about Lee’s self harm, and really, I mostly just want to finish this book and watch Secretary as a mental cleanser.
March 6 at 5:38pm
So I went to dinner and spent too much of it thinking about this stupid book, and the more I think about it, the way Christian pushes food on Ana bothers me more and more. He had that prescribed list of foods in his contract, and he orders for her and expects her to eat whatever shows up. In the few cases where she’s picked her own food, that’s what he demands for her at every meal. Maybe a girl doesn’t want pancakes, bacon, and eggs every single day for breakfast. Maybe sometimes it’s an oatmeal day or something.
None of it’s about taking care of her. It’s about him controlling her and his issues with being hungry and wasting food. And that’s not romantic or caring or sweet.
March 6 at 10:01pm
“If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.”
No means no.
Asshole.
March 6 at 10:07pm
The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities that are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.
That is so deeply problematic. Especially with Christian’s attitude about ‘no.’
March 6 at 10:10pm
Also…I mean…does the whole contract have to printed out for us every single time Ana reads it? It’s such a waste of space.
March 6 at 10:10pm
This game they’re playing, where Christian has to catch her so he can spank her because she rolled her eyes…
This would be 100% fine if she were into the punishment thing.
But she’s not. She’s said it multiple times. They’re talking about his contract and she’s expressed a lot of discomfort with the punishment thing multiple times. But he’s going to spank her because he wants to, and you know what? That is not sexy. That’s actual physical abuse.
March 6 at 10:13pm
I’m a child again, though that’s not right.
It is really creepy and weird how often Ana’s infantalized in a sexual context in this book.
I have to work to remember that she’s 21, not 16.
March 6 at 10:15pm
‘Anyone would think you didn’t want me to catch you.’
‘I don’t. That’s the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about my touching you.’
His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I’ve slapped him. He’s ashen.
‘That’s how you feel?’ he whispers.
She has made it so clear, over and over, that she does not like being punished. The first time he did it left her a shattered mess, and he was so confident that she loved it because she was wet…minutes after they’d had sex.
If this were real BDSM, if Christian were a real Dom, if they were being safe, sane, and consensual, this would not be happening right now.
But it’s not any of those things because Christian is an abusive fuckwit.
March 6 at 10:19pm
And Ana immediately feels bad. Because Christian is upset. So she backs off. Because this is a terrible, abusive relationship.
March 6 at 10:19pm
And she’s backed off more. She doesn’t hate it or dislike it. Now she’s ambivalent, because Christian is upset, and God forbid he in any way have to take her actual feelings into account.
March 6 at 10:20pm
‘But when you want to punish me, I worry that you’ll hurt me.’
His eyes darken like a turbulent storm. Time moves and expands and slips away before he answers softly.
‘I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything that you couldn’t take.’
That is not ok. They’ve known each other less than a month so far. He does not know what she can and cannot take, and she has told him over and over again in multiple ways, both blatant and subtle, that she does not like being punished.
But it’s going to happen because Christian needs it.
That is not how this works, and if he at all meant it when he said a sub has power, they would not be having this conversation.
March 6 at 10:25pm
He’s begging her to stay and it is not romantic at all. It’s a gambit to force her to give him what he wants, and it’s awful.
March 6 at 10:26pm
I can sooth him, join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.
No. That’s not how that works.
Seriously, this is how you find yourself in multiple trash bags scattered along the interstate.
March 6 at 10:27pm
And he wins. He got her to go from punishment scaring her to asking for him to show her how bad it can get.
March 6 at 10:28pm
He’s going to hit her with a belt. A good Dom would not do that to an inexperienced sub who just told him that she doesn’t like punishment and it scares her. Safe is gone here, consensual is badly blurred, and sane is completely out of the picture.
March 6 at 10:30pm
But he’s making sure she knows this is only happening because she said yes. After his full manipulative song and dance. Can’t beat her unless she knows it’s all her responsibility.
March 6 at 10:31pm
‘I am doing this so that you remember not to run from me, and as exciting as it is, I never want you to run from me,’ he whispers.
And the irony is not lost on me. I was running to avoid this. If he’d opened his arms, I’d run to him, not away from him.
And that right there is why this relationship is broken. That is not acceptable.
March 6 at 10:32pm
I close my eyes, bracing myself for the blow. It comes hard, snapping across my backside, and the bite of the belt is everything I feared. I cry out involuntarily and take a huge gulp of air.
Christian spent a lot of time trying to convince her the worst part was all in her head, considering it’s turning out to be everything she feared.
March 6 at 10:34pm
She’s crying and she hated the punishment and she told him off.
This would never have happened if it were a healthy relationship, and if there weren’t two more books coming, I’d be really hoping for this to end happily with her escaping him for good.
March 6 at 10:36pm
She’s hiding in her room and sobbing and talking her way through what’s just happened to her, which needs to happen. And she’s wondering:
Why can’t I love Jose, or Paul Clayton, or someone like me?
Sweetie…you can. You are only 21. You’ve just moved to a new city. So what if you’ve never been interested in another man? There are a lot more men you there you’ve never met before. Your only choices are not Christian Grey or cats.
March 6 at 10:39pm
And he’s there, because God forbid she have some space. And the first things he does it tell her to hush, not to fight him, and not to hate him. So he’s not even really there to take care of her, he’s there to make sure she doesn’t leave.
March 6 at 10:41pm · Like
And she’s apologizing to him.
Damn it.
March 6 at 10:42pm
‘I am sorry I hurt you.’
I shrug. ‘I asked for it.’
Oh, honey.
(I would say points for a real apology instead of saying he’s sorry she’s hurt, but Christian Grey gets no points and retroactively loses any he had up to now.)
March 6 at 10:43pm
And Christian tells her she should leave, which does a perfect job of stirring all ‘stand by and save your broken man’ feelings that’ll go a long way toward making sure she does stay.
March 6 at 10:45pm
And the actual writing is still terrible and in need of editing. Stop telling us about your scalp prickling.
March 6 at 10:46pm
She’s having to ask for the money from selling her car. I know he gave her a lot of expensive stuff, but he’s giving her a hard time about it, so he really did steal her car.
And again, if I didn’t know there were two more books, I’d be so proud of her right now.
March 6 at 10:49pm
He gasps. ‘Are you really trying to wound me?’
She’s breaking up with you. And she’s trying to be decent by giving back the extravagant shit you used to manipulate her. But, you know, sure, go for a guilt trip instead. That’s real love.
March 6 at 10:50pm
She refuses the ride home because, again, she’s leaving him.
I turn to stare at Christian, and I see the barely contained fury in his eyes.
‘Are you going to defy me at every turn?’
SHE IS BREAKING UP WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU JUST LITERALLY BEAT HER. BACK OFF.
March 6 at 10:52pm
And she’s home alone, clutching a helicopter balloon, wailing and feeling terrible, which is natural after a breakup, I guess.
And that’s the end of the book. If it were a little longer and ended with her meeting someone new, or recovering from that (brief, if intense) affair, it could really be a pretty fascinating and even empowering story about falling into an escaping an abusive relationship.
Except this is a romance for some reason.
March 6 at 10:57pm
And now…
Tyburn Blossom’s Fifty Shades of Grey Drinking Game
Do not attempt this with actual alcohol.
Or even water.
Really, don’t do this if you value your life.
Take a shot whenever…
…the word ‘murmur’ is used.
…the word ‘mutter’ is used.
…the words ‘control freak’ are used.
…Christian’s mouth is mentioned.
…Christian’s hands, fingers, or long-fingered hands are mentioned.
…the word ‘holy’ is used.
…the word ‘whoa’ is used.
…the words ‘oh my’ are used.
…Christian brings up food.
…Ana bites her lip.
…two when Christian bitches about it.
…someone gasps.
…the word ‘delicious’ is used.
…the word ‘yummy’ is used.
…there’s an unnecessary description of how a drink tastes.
…two if it quenches her thirst.
…Christian’s pants are hanging off his hips.
…two if they’re hanging ‘that way.’
…Ana talks about how Christian smells.
…something is described as [x many] shades/types of [color/thing].
…two if it’s fifty shades of [anything].